Big Brother Solid
by Adder24
Summary: Yeah Snake in the big brother house hoorah
1. Entrance

Big Brother Solid

Yeah it had to be done. I had to rip the piss out of big brother and stuff. WOOHAHA. P.S I have no idea when Big Brother 7 starts so don't hunt me down and kill me nor do I know the names of any contestants.

May 19th(I think) it is the launch day of Big Brother 7 and 11 of the contestants have arrived in their luxury Limo's and performed their grand entrances into the house. All accept the 12th contestant. A UPS truck turns up and the deliveryman gives a huge package to the security guards, the security guards then deliver this huge package (it takes at least six of them to carry this thing and it's being carried like a coffin) to the big brother house, the guards then hurl this package down the stairs and slam the door behind them. As the package lands groans from inside could be heard.

Package: Talk about a rough ride.

Inside the house the contestants are getting friendly with one another, six women and five men two of which are possibly gay.

Tannoy: This is big brother could one of the contests go to the Diary room.

Bald man: Oooh me I'll go.

The bald man goes to the diary room and sits down on the weird chair thing that looks like summat from an alien planet.

Big brother: Hello there Carl

Carl: hello big brother how can I help?

Big Brother: A package has been delivered, it is waiting in the entrance of the house and we would like you to retrieve this, however we have placed the fellow contestants into the bedrooms in order for the package to be safely delivered.

Carl: Right!

Outside the contestants have been placed into the bedroom, bewildered and confused.

Big Brother: Carl please go and retrieve the package.

Carl gets out of the chair and walks out of the diary room, he wonders to the entrance of the big brother house and opens the door.

Carl: Holy shit that package is huge

Carl drags the package into the house.

Tannoy: This is Big Brother the bedroom is now open. You may leave the bedroom.

All of the contestants charge out of the bedroom and circle round the package in front of Carl.

Mark (blonde spiky hair blue eyes and is about 6ft 1"): Dude What the hell is it

Alice: (Long blonde hair, blue eyes about 5ft 6" and 34E is wearing a black hat) I don't know wonder what happens if I tap on it

Alice taps on the box and grumblings could be heard

Package: That's my bloody head you moron

James (Brown short hair, green eyes about 6ft) oooh I think I know what it is.

All contestants: WHAT?

James: An answer machine

All the contestants look at James with eyes that suggest they are saying " Oh my god ain't it that bloody obvious to him, MORON"

Alice: Go back in your corner Freak

James: Yeah well go suck your thumb

Mark: That doesn't make sense.

Package: Oh God will you just let me out of the box.

Carl: The Box is talking

Michelle: (Short brown hair, brown eyes 5ft 3" and is a 36C) It's a talking parrot

Bruce: (Black man big muscles short black hair brown eyes and is 6ft 6") Nah I'm saying it's a human

Max: (Long blonde hair, Green eyes and is 6ft 2") It is a man who comes with great trouble

Blank looks all round

Max: Okay the bloody box is a human who is bloody annoyed

All: OOOOOOOOOH

Geri: (Long ginger hair, blue eyes and is 5ft 7") If it's a man I hope he's fit

James: So do I

Alice: What did I tell you to do?

James: Yes ma'am

Package: (very annoyed) GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS BOX!

Jenny: (Long brown hair green eyes 5ft 3" can't be bothered with the boob size) Think we should do, as the box would like us to do.

Pam and Sarah: (One has long black hair the other has a blonde long hair, both have blue eyes and stand around 5ft 4") Open it, open it claps hands and make stupid tittering noises.

Mark: Okay then if that's what you guys want.

All: YES!

Alice hands Mark a knife from the kitchen, Mark pierces the outer packaging.

Package: MIND WHERE YOU PUT THAT!

Mark: Almost there

Alice: grabbing the flaps of the box On the count of three Mark

Mark: Has the other flap Okay, One…………

Alice: Two………

Mark: Three…

The package splits open and inside is the last contestant, Yeah that's right it's Solid Snake, he's wearing a black t- shirt and blue denim Jeans and black trainers

Snake: Could you just explain something to me please?

Alice: Sure

Snake: WHERE THE FUCK AM I?

Mark: Don't you know?

Snake: Know because one minute I was asleep in my house and the next I'm here, so no I don't know

Carl: Welcome to the Big Brother House

Snake looks at everyone around him with a blank look.

Snake: Your Joking right?

Tannoy: This is Big Brother could Snake please come to the diary room.

Snake: looking a bit pissed off Nope your not joking

Snake gets up from the remains of the cardboard box he was in and potters to a door.

Alice: Snake that's the fridge

Snake: Yeah I knew that wonders to another door

Mark: That's the cupboard with the Hoover in it.

Snake: Yeah I……….

Everyone looks at snake.

Snake: Okay where is it then?

Alice grabs Snake by the arm and leads him to the diary room.

Alice: It's here, okay, no where else but here.

Snake: Yeah I gathered now you sarcastic Blonde bint

Alice: Well at least I don't look like I rolled out of a trashcan

Snake: smiling I like you

Alice walks away from Snake bewildered

James: I'm gonna grab his clothes tonight and wear them and…

Alice and Mark: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Carl: It's okay James I understand

Max: Tension of the force that unites two people is strong between you.

James and Carl look at max with blank looks

Max: You know what I'm just going to shut my mouth.

James and Carl still look at him with blank looks.

Max: OH FORGET IT!

Inside the diary room Snake is sitting on the weird Alien chair thing with a camera and microphone in front of him.

Big Brother: Hello Snake

Snake: Your just a Camera, I am not talking to a poxy camera.

Big Brother: How was your journey?

Snake: I am not talking to you.

Big Brother: How are you finding the other housemates?

Snake: What did I just say?

Big Brother: If you have any problems then please come to the diary room and discuss them, or if your just wanting to randomly discuss something then please use the diary room as well as your housemates.

Snake: I AM NOT TALKING TO A CAMERA

Big Brother: Voice turns into a psychotic Robot voice THE POWER OF THE CAMERA IS MORE POWERFUL THEN YOU CAN IMAGINE!

Snake: Okay I can see I'm going to have enemies.

Big Brother: normal Scottish man Thank you Snake you can leave now your suitcase is in the bedroom.

Snake: Right I think I shall.

Snake walks out of the room and back into the living quarters where he is witnessing Alice and Max fighting with the bits of cardboard, Carl crying, James sniffing the wallpaper (don't ask) Michelle and Geri drinking all of the wine and falling over, Max meditating, Jenny betting with Bruce who will win between Mark and Alice and Pam and Sarah combing each others hair.

Snake: I'm in hell.

Find out how snake will cope with the pressures of being in the big brother house and if the cameras try anything to kill him plus if James ever gets the chance to understand Max's wise words.


	2. Day one in hell

Well Solid Snake has unofficially spent one day in the big brother house after arriving V.I.A UPS delivery and was chucked down the stairs. He has encountered some strange people and a psychotic camera in the diary room. We now Join Snake waking up on a beanbag near the kitchen. (Don't ask how he got there, probably drunk his sorrows away big brother don't tell you much after the first night unless your sad to watch it 24 hours religiously, then you'd know)

6:30am big brother decides to wake up the contestants with the sounds of an AK-47 being fired.

Mark jumps out of his bed bolt upright while the rest of the contestants crawl out of the bed and head towards the bathroom (apart from Snake who is still asleep)

Mark: OH FUCK IT'S WORLD WAR THREE

Max: It's the sound to waken the soul.

Mark: (blank look) What the fuck are you on man?

Max: The natural highs of life.

Mark: Nah I don't follow.

Max: (annoyed) Okay in bloody English it's a wake up call and I'm just natural happy. Now do you follow?

Mark: Woooo, don't get your knickers in a twist mate.

Max: You know what I hate people.

6:35am and the alarm is still going off because Snake is just managing to wake up

Snake: Okay one minute I wake up in the big brother house and the next minute I'm in the middle of a battlefield.

Alice walks by half dressed washed and brushing her teeth

Alice: No you're still in the big brother house you simpleton.

Snake: Thanks for reminding me you hat wearing freak

Alice: Pleasure bandanna wearing gimp.

Mark: (Walking out of the bedroom) Oooh I love trading insults, Okay Alice you're a dumb blonde and Snake you're a schizophrenic weirdo

Snake and Alice look at Mark in disgust.

Alice: Mark them insults do actually hurt people.

Snake:(glaring) Gimme one good reason why I should not chase you around this house and then finally catch you and break your neck.

Mark: Err………. I can cook.

Snake: Then if that's true I want you to cook me breakfast.

Mark: yeah err sure.

Alice shakes her head and starts to whisper under her breath.

Alice: You're fucked Mark.

7:40am Geri and Michelle are talking in the bedroom while James listens in (because he's a nosy git)

Geri: So what do you think to Carl?

Michelle: Oh he's all right, not got a bad body on him.

James: He's gay.

Geri: No way

James: Yes way, he walks like a gay

Geri and Michelle observe the way Carl walks around the kitchen

Geri: Nah I think he has a hip problem.

Michelle: I may have to agree with you.

James: HE'S 23 HOW MANY 23 YEAR OLDS HAVE A HIP PROBLEM?

Michelle: My cousin was born deformed and he had a hip problem

James slaps his forehead

James: Whatever

Geri: It's only because you find him attractive that you think he's gay

James: I'm just going to ignore that statement.

Mark comes hurtling into the room and hides under James bed.

James: Okay what the fuck?

Mark: I burnt Snakes Bacon and now he's after me.

Geri: We will just say you ran into the air ducts.

Mark: Thanks.

Michelle: So what do you think to that Alice?

Geri: I reckon she's a he/she

Snake slams the door open to the bedroom and is holding a kitchen knife

Mark: (whispering) Oh mummy

Snake: OKAY WHERE IS HE?

Everyone in the room points to James's bed.

James: I'm not Mark; do I look like a hapless freak?

Snake: Yes you do.

Mark starts to crawl slowly under the next bed.

Snake: Okay Mark I'll give you 10 seconds to get your arse out of this room

Mark appears from under the bed and starts to run out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, screaming like a little girl.

Snake: Thank you ladies

James: HEY!

Geri: No problem

Snake walks out of the bedroom and chases after Mark with the kitchen Knife

Michelle: I like him

Geri: Amen to that.

James: I'm agreeing.

12:00pm and Snake is still tormenting Mark in the garden while the rest of the housemates sunbathe apart from Alice who is encouraging Snake to get back at Mark.

Bruce: I'd say Snake isn't going to kill Mark but probably make him look a complete Pratt.

Pam: Nah he'll kill him.

Sarah: Either way he's going to look a complete Pratt

Geri: I don't like Mark I think he's a bit of a moron to be honest

Jenny: Nah he's all right so is Alice.

Geri and Michelle look at Jenny in complete shock.

Jenny: She's cool

Geri and Michelle Still shocked.

Jenny: she isn't hiding behind mask like you two are.

Whole group: Ooooooooooo

Max: As the earth's natural heat increases so does the restlessness of our souls.

Whole group look at him blankly.

Max: I DON'T EXSIST OKAY I JUST DON'T.

All: OKAY!

1:30pm Snake finally corners Mark and presses the knife against his throat while Alice tries to convince Snake to punish Mark in other ways.

Alice: Why don't you Just pin Mark to the wall and turn the hose on him.

Snake: (thinks) That sounds like a good idea.

Snake grabs Marks shirt and drives the knife into it and the wall behind him, he grabs the hose and a spade, and rest's the hose on the spades handle and turns the water on.

Mark: OH GOD THAT'S COLD

Alice: How long do you plan to leave him their Snake?

Snake: Probably till about seven.

Alice: Sounds great.

Alice and Snake walk away from Mark and head indoors.

James: I think we should do a wet t-shirt competition.

Geri: I thought you were gay you pervert.

James: I meant the men.

Geri: Oooh right.

Carl walks past Geri and James in hot pants ad no t-shirt.

James: yeah he's defiantly gay

Geri: Just because he wears hot pants does not mean he's gay.

James: Are you that stupid?

4:30pm Alice is in the kitchen making a cup of tea, Geri and Michelle are cooking some pasta for themselves and Snake is outside watching Mark getting drenched by the hose.

Snake: HEY MARK ONLY TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO GO!

Mark raises his middle finger

Geri: Hey Alice ever thought about dressing more like a girl at all?

Alice: Nope

Michelle: Well you should because men don't go for bloke wannabe's

Alice: If your not happy with the way I look go and fuck off.

Geri: No need to take that attitude, we are only trying to help.

Alice: Well don't because I don't want to be a sheep like you two

Michelle: I'll prove it shall I, I'll Prove that women who dress like women get men.

Alice: Knock yourself out, Go and try it on Snake.

Michelle: Fine I will

Michelle calls Snake over and flaunts herself.

Michelle: I was wondering could you go to my bed and grab my lost sock from under the duvet?

Snake: Gives Michelle a confused look.

Snake: I'm sure you are big enough and strong enough to go under your own duvet cover and find your sock, now run along little girl.

Michelle gives Snake a disgruntled look and strides off. Snake walks towards Alice and ruffles her hair; Alice jumps on Snake's back and gives Geri and Michelle the middle finger.

Geri: What does he see in her?

Michelle: I reckon he's secretly gay

James: Oh I really hope so

Geri: Where the fuck did you come from?

James: I was hiding in the cupboard.

8:00pm Snake eventually let's Mark down from the wall and turns off the hose, Mark stomps into the house dripping wet. Everybody sits down for dinner including Mark who is wrapped in a warm towel.

Snake and Alice are sitting on the beanbags with Mark while the rest of the housemates sit at the table.

Bruce: I think Snake likes Alice.

Michelle: I think Snake is blind.

Jenny: He chooses personality over looks; I think it's cute.

Michelle: I don't I think it's sick

Jenny: I think someone is bitter.

James: hey where is the hippy freak.

Pam: Max?

Sarah: Yeah where is he?

Carl: Last time I saw him he was sulking in the attic.

James: He's in the garden meditating and rambling how the world hates him.

Geri: Oh that makes sense then.

Jenny walks over to where Snake, Mark and Alice are sitting eating their dinner.

Mark: Who made this dinner?

Jenny the two tarts over there (points to Geri and Michelle)

Mark: that'll explain why it tastes like nail varnish

Alice: Yeah.

Snake is looking at a camera, convinced it's spying on him.

Snake: That camera is stalking me

Alice: No it ain't it's looking at me

Snake: Oh yeah

The camera looks at Alice briefly then sharply turns to look at Snake

Camera: YOU ARE GOING DOWN SNAKE!

Jenny: I did not know Cameras could talk.

Mark: They do now.

Snake: I'm in the shit now.

Alice: No you're not, I'll save you.

Alice grabs the camera and slaps it.

Alice: BEHAVE YOURSELF

Camera: (whimpering) Sorry Ma-am

1:00 am Most of the housemates are in bed apart from Snake, Alice and Mark, Jenny is in the kitchen making some coffee, Mark, Snake and Alice are on the sofa's discussing random things.

Mark: a cat attacked me once. It clawed my face to shreds; I still have two scars on my cheek, look.

Snake: Lets see.

Mark shows Snake the scars, Snake looks and then slaps him on the face.

Snake: yeah well I got a scar on my foot where some stupid Russian guard put a bayonet through my foot.

Mark: Ouch that had to hurt.

Snake: It isn't as bad as when I got electrocuted half to death.

Mark: I hate to do your job.

Alice: I fell out the tree and broke my left elbow.

Snake: Any scars?

Alice: yeah, they put pins in my arm to hold it in place.

Snake: Lets see

Alice shows snake where the scars are on her arm and described how it all happened.

Jenny: I got a scar on my armpit want to see?

All: NO THANKS.

3:00am Snake is the only one wide awake, Alice has fallen asleep on his lap, Jenny went to bed and Mark strolls off towards the bedroom.

Mark: Night all.

Snake: Hey keep the door open; I'm going to put sleepy head in the bedroom.

Snake cradles Alice in his arms and walks towards the bedroom; he stumbles through the room to find a bed. The only one left is a double bed.

Snake: Great well we know what people are going to assume now.

Mark: Just tuck her in bed and sleep on top of the covers Snake, then it'll look innocent, don't worry I got you covered, now if you excuse me I have some lap dancers to amuse.

Snake: What the fuck?

Mark: Dreams Snake.

Snake: Oh right

Snake puts Alice under the covers and then places himself next to her on top of the covers like Mark suggested, he wraps his right arm around Alice.

Snake: better not let you roll out of bed and give yourself concussion now do we.

Mark: No.

Snake: Shut up Mark.

James: Snake can you tuck me into bed?

Snake: NO!

Michelle: What about me?

Snake: NO TO YOU TOO OKAY NOW JUST SHUT UP AND GO TO SLEEP

Bruce: Where's Max?

Snake: Oh who cares I just want to sleep.

Jenny: I care.

Snake groans and closes his eyes as everyone around him apart from Alice and Mark starts to talk about random bollocks.

Snake: You know what I think sleeping in the middle of a herd of Metal Gear Rays is more relaxing then this racket. Ah well at least I got a lovely lady in my bed.

Room falls silent

Snake: At least I'm telling the truth unlike you lot.

All: AWWWWW THAT'S SWEET!

Michelle and Geri: SNAKE'S BLIND

Snake slaps his forehead; Mark walks over and pats him on the back

Will Snake go to sleep? Will Alice ever know Snake likes her? Is mark also someone who likes her?

Will Michelle and Geri pull themselves away from the mirror and will the rest of the housemates ever understand Max and will Max stop meditating in the garden? Who knows find out next time.


	3. Day3 Madness

Poor old Snake, It seems people in the big brother house isn't kind to him. First off he is awoken by the sound of gunfire, then Mark burns his bacon and sends snake into a murderous rage, then he gets friendly with Alice but Geri and Michelle accuse him of being blind and to top it all off it's 3am in the morning he wants to sleep but people in the bedroom want to talk. Well it's all about to get worse for him.

7:30am Big Brother decides to give all housemates a lay in by about an hour, the alarm for today is the sound of grenades exploding.

Snake: I swear to god they have something against me.

Alice wakes up and looks directly at Snake.

Alice: What the fuck are you doing in my bed?

Michelle: He thought you were me.

Snake: That's a goddamn lie and you know it

Alice: I don't care what the truth is, just don't do it again.

Alice crawls out of the bed and heads towards the bathroom to get washed and all that palaver you do in the mornings. Snake however is a tad upset and repeatedly whacks his head against the wall while mark wakes up and looks to see what the hell he's doing.

Mark: Don't do that you'll get concussion

Snake: Well Duh, that's what I'm planning to do.

Mark: Okay well good luck knocking yourself out.

Snake: GOT TO HELL YOU MORON.

Mark: Yeah it looks as though the first stages of concussion are starting to show.

Snake: DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT STUPID YELLOW ELEPHANT.

Mark: ALICE SNAKE'S TRYING TO KNOCK HIMSELF OUT!

9:00am All of the big brother housemates are outside in the garden, Snake has achieved his goal in knocking himself out and has been knocked out for an hour and a half, Bruce and Carl are discussing relationships while the rest of the housemates argue about random crap like they seem to do.

Michelle: I don't care what you think Jenny I still say Alice is a he/she

Jenny: Well I'd prefer her as a mate then you.

Bruce: Yeah well I'd prefer salt and vinegar crisp as a friend compared to any of you.

The conversation stops and everyone falls silent, max crawls out of a bush and walks over to the group.

Max: Don't ask okay, I saw this smoke cloud and it lead me to the bush. Lets talk no more about it.

Pam: Yeah Max that cloud is you saw may have been steam from the cooking.

Max: (clenching his fists and is twitching) You lot made me to believe it was something spiritual and all along it was steam from the cooking.

Sarah: Well actually you believed it was spiritual and you followed it.

Max: When you sleep at night I hope you awaken to a murderous scene.

Max storms off toward the house while the rest of the housemates continue to talk.

James: That's the most sense he has made throughout the past two days.

Carl: Well maybe he's chipped a nail and it's irritated him. I do so hate chipping a nail.

Geri: This man is on the same wavelength as me.

Michelle: Me too, he'll make a great husband.

James: HE'S FUCKING GAY. G.A.Y SPELLS GAAAAAAAYYYYYY. HE LIKES MEN, LIKE ME I LIKE MEN.

Geri: Well done for coming out of the closet James

Michelle: yeah but don't assume every male you meet is gay okay. Carl is so into ladies.

James: Lord why the fuck do I bother?

12:00pm Snake has gradually come out of his knocked out state and stumbles right into an argument between Michelle, Geri and Alice. Alice being the victim and Geri and Michelle being the bullies. The rest of the housemates take sides, interestingly enough Alice has 60 of the housemates.

Geri: Alice your a bloke all you seem to do is act like a bloke, dress like a bloke why don't you have a sex change and get it over with.

Alice: I'd rather be a bloke wannabe then look and act like a whore.

Geri: HOW DARE YOU.

Michelle: Yeah well at least we can say we have had sex with a man.

James: yeah me too.

Pam: James shut up we don't care about your sex life.

Alice: Who's to say I have not had sex with a man.

Michelle: Well whoever he is he must have been blind.

Alice: THAT'S IT YOU'RE SO DEAD!

Alice lunges to hit Michelle but trips over a beanbag.

Mark: Oh sorry Alice my fault I did not put that back.

Alice gets up and goes to get Michelle again but Snake grabs her, walks outside and chucks her in the pool (yes fully clothed)

Alice: YOU BASTARD I NEARLY HAD HER.

Snake: I DON'T CARE FUCKING COOL DOWN.

James: Yey way to go Snake.

Snake: Shut up. Look I hate you but can you do me a favour?

James: Yeah anything.

Snake: Keep them two tarts out of the way from Alice for a while, keep the hell away from me, send mark and jenny here and oh don't forget this.

James: What's that?

Snake: Use max as a neutral barrier thingmybob.

James: A councillor?

Snake: Yeah that's the one.

2:30pm the housemates are divided into two parties while max has the unfortunate task of keeping neutral ground. Alice's party are situated in the house while Geri and Michelle's party is in the garden. Max however is in between the two areas and is holding kitchen knives; he is threatening to kill anyone who plans on going across the line.

Alice: (change of clothing) Thanks for that Snake I needed that.

Snake: no problem.

Mark: You only done it so you can see through her t-shirt.

Bruce: Yeah I think that's the reason too.

Snake: No that's not true.

Jenny gives him a look of tell the truth.

Snake: I'm being serious.

Alice is also giving him the same look.

Snake: Yeah okay I admit I done it for that reason too but my mind was only at 50 working ability.

Mark: Bullshit.

Snake: FINE! THAT WAS ONE OF THE REASONS.

Alice and Jenny: Men they are all the same

Sarah: Not all men; Carl is one of a kind.

Mark: but he's gay.

Snake: Don't bother explaining they won't listen.

Alice: Yeah Carl is so gay.

Snake: apart from Alice all of them don't understand.

Carl gets up and asks Max if he can come in and grab a can of coke from the fridge.

Max: yeah sure you can, anything longer then 5 minutes and I have the right to slit your throat.

Mark: Wow Max is actually making sense now.

Max: Shut up or I'm slitting yours too.

Mark: Mummy

Carl looks at Snake and Mark and blows them kisses then he minces out of the kitchen and into the garden.

Mark: (stunned) Did he just blow kisses at us?

Snake: (also stunned) Yep

Snake walks over to Alice and starts to cuddle her.

Alice: Okay I'm confused now.

Snake: Mark if you cuddle Alice it makes you feel better

Mark: Errr no offence but I'd rather hug jenny.

Mark runs off towards Jenny and starts to cuddle her.

Jenny: Get off me you freak.

5:15pm Now that the housemates have cooled off everyone has sat down to have dinner. Mark, Alice, Snake, Bruce and Jenny are eating their dinner in the beanbag section while the rest are at the table. Jenny made today's dinner and it was sweet and sour chicken. The editor is now starving. Max is hiding in the bush eating a mouse he caught scuttling around the garden, most would say he has flipped his lid.

Michelle: So Carl what sort of movies do you like?

Carl: Chick flicks and romances.

Michelle: Me too.

Geri: What's your favourite colour?

Carl: Every shade of pink imaginable.

Geri: Mine too.

James: So gay.

Pam: Shut up James.

Sarah: Excuse James, he has just recently confessed he's gay and thinks every male is gay.

Carl: Oh congrats James, it takes balls of steel to admit that.

James: Yeah you should know.

Carl: I do know

Pam: So understanding.

James: He's Gay I'm telling you.

Geri slaps James around the head with a stool and knocks him cold over the dinner table

Geri: What music are you into Carl?

Carl: Mostly cheesy pop.

8:30pm Snake and mark are out in the garden, Alice and Jenny are washing up, Bruce, Sarah and Pam are on the sofas chatting about hair, Michelle, Geri, James and Carl are in the bedroom while Max is still in the garden running around like a maniac.

Bruce: I like my hair short it's so easy to manage

Sarah: I feel if you had your hair too short it would not suit you.

Pam: Yeah I think short and spiky does suit you better.

Sarah: yeah and if you put him in a dark blue suit, with a yellow shirt and pale blue tie, you'd be so irresistible.

Bruce: What is this? How not to dress Big brother style?

Pam: I disagree red shirt suits him better.

Sarah: What about shoes?

Bruce: I'm just going to sit over here now.

Bruce runs away from Pam and Sarah and forcefully helps out with Jenny and Alice.

In the garden Max has stopped running around like a maniac and has now sat down to talk with the camera.

Snake: He's defiantly lost it.

Mark: Yep

Snake: Have we got any alcohol lying about anywhere?

Mark I think there's some in the fridge still, Mostly beer too.

Snake: I'm going to grab some.

Mark: Why? I'm not feeling thirsty.

Snake: Errr no reason.

Mark: I know you want to talk to Alice?

Snake grins and runs into the house.

Mark: OI MAX YOU STOP POKING THAT CAMERA WITH A STICK

Max turns to look at Mark psychotically.

Max: It's not a stick.

Mark: oh dear.

11:20pm after talking to Alice for 1 hour and 50 minutes Snake finally takes some beer out to Mark with Alice in tow. Most of the housemates have gone to bed, chatting.

Alice: What the hell is Max doing?

Snake: I do not know but I am quite worried.

Max is wearing a bed sheet and is dancing around a fire he has created.

Mark: Earlier I caught him poking the camera with his winky.

Snake: I'm going to put him out of his misery.

Alice: You aren't going to kill him are you?

Snake: unfortunately no I'd get done for murder. I have other ideas.

Mark: I do not like this.

Snake walks over to Max's fire.

Max: Hello fellow tribal man, are you going to join in with the dance of great ness

Snake: NO!

Snake stamps on Max's fire and walks away leaving Max crying.

Max: YOU KILLED MY FRIEND YOU BLOODY MURDERER!

Alice: Well-done Snake I think you have just sent him over the edge.

Mark: TAKE THAT NASTY FIRE THING!

Snake: Now maybe he will wake up tomorrow and be completely normal for a change.

Alice: Chance would be a fine thing.

Max runs to a bush and starts to cry.

Snake: So what the hell did happen with you and the two slappers of the house?

Alice: They kept taking the piss out of me, saying I was a he/she.

Mark: well out of order, your tits are big enough for people to understand you are clearly a woman.

Alice: I pretend I did not hear that.

Snake: Very true Mark, in fact Alice's are clearly bigger then theirs

Alice: (blushing) Okay please stop talking about my tits.

Mark: they are like huge plump pillows

Snake looks at Mark.

Mark: What?

Snake: The lady did say stop Mark.

Alice: Exactly thank you Snake

Max: YOU ARE ALL FUCKING FILTHY BLOODY MURDERERS, IM TELLING BIG BROTHER SO YOU WILL ALL GO TO HELL.

Snake hurls a beer can at Max which hit's him square between the eyes, knocking him out cold.

Mark: Bloody good shot old boy

Snake: Thanks old man.

Mark: I'm not old.

Alice: It's a saying Mark

Mark: But I'm not old.

2:30am Alice and Snake are the only two housemates in the sofa area, Mark is in the bedroom awake and Max is still knocked out in the garden.

Snake: Can I ask you a question Alice?

Alice: Fire away solider.

Snake: Do you mind if I share the bed with you, everyone else has a bed except me, I missed out on the first night coz I slept on the beanbags.

Alice: Yeah sure, why do you ask?

Snake: Because you told me this morning to stay out of your bed.

Alice: Oh yeah, well forget about it, I was confused as to why you were in my bed.

Snake: You fell asleep on me last night; I carried you to bed and stayed near you in case you fell out of the bed.

Alice: Well that was sweet of you.

Alice gives Snake a kiss on the cheek, Snake grins, he grabs Alice and gives her a full on passionate kiss, Mark wonders out of the room.

Mark: Hey guys I'm just grabbing some water don't……… HOLY SHIT!

Snake: MARK YOU FUCKER!

Mark: OH SHIT I'M RUNNING!

Mark runs off towards the bedroom

Snake: I'm killing him tomorrow morning

Alice: Come on time we went to bed.

Snake and Alice finally go to bed and yes they cuddled but nothing else, lets make that clear right now, Mark however is hiding under his bed shaking and Max is still out in the garden crying out "MURDEROUS BASTARDS" Will Alice and Snake be an item or is it just madness? Will Mark ever come out from under his bed? Will the girls realise Carl is gay? And will Max ever become normal? YOU DECIDE! Oh god no that's wrong sorry it's find out next time there you go I got it right.


	4. Day 4 Max insanity

WARNING THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS VILE FAECE THROWING, NUDITY AND VIOLENCE

Well the Big brother house just gets madder and madder, that's more then what I can say about the official one, so dull at the minute but I ain't been watching it. Anyways we join Snake as he gets to grips with life in the house, he's just kissed Alice and he's threatening to kill Mark once again. Max has gone completely insane but everyone is hoping he'll turn out normal. The girls still believe Carl is straight but the men, Alice and Jenny know damn well he isn't. Aren't I mad?

6:30am big brother has woken the housemates with the military morning horn or wake up call.

Bruce: Do you think big brother have gone all military on us?

Geri: I don't care I just want to have a shower and have breakfast.

Jenny: Marks bed is empty.

Pam: Wonder where he is?

Mark awakens and bangs his head on mattress above him.

Mark: OW FUCK IT.

Jenny: He's under his bed again.

James: Snake's after him then.

Jenny: Yeah that'll explain it

Mark: YOU BETTER NOT GIVE MY POSITION AWAY.

Pam: he will know you're under there.

Mark: SO WHAT IF HE DOES I'LL JUST STAB HIM IN THE FOOT WITH THIS PLASTIC FORK!

Jenny: Yeah that's really gonna hurt him Mark

Mark: Don't underestimate the power of the fork.

Sarah: Mark it'll just break before it even makes a dent in his skin.

Mark cradles the fork and holds it close to his chest.

Mark: She did not mean it Forky I believe you're a murderous killer.

Alice rolls out of the bed and catches mark cuddling the fork.

Alice: Mark what the fuck Are you doing?

Mark: Don't tell Snake I'm here please.

Alice: What if I do?

Mark I'll set Forky on you.

Alice: Okay I'm going to have a shower now.

Snake wakes up screaming.

Alice: okay what's the matter Snake?

Snake: I had a nightmare; Raiden was chasing me again in his tight miniskirt and black boob tube and stockings and suspenders and knee high black boots.

Alice: Okay I like you and all that but please don't dream that again.

Snake: He hugged me and nearly snogged me. I feel so dirty.

8:40am the housemates have had their breakfast, Snake has recovered from his nightmare and Mark is still hiding under the bed with his plastic fork. Max is still nowhere to be seen.Geri ,Michelle, James and Sarah are on the beanbags outside chatting; Jenny, Bruce, Pam and Carl are indoors cleaning the house and washing up. Snake and Alice are also out in the garden.

Snake: Look last night if you thought I was to forward with you then I say sorry now.

Alice: It's okay I had to find out one way or another and I preferred it to come from your lips.

Snake: WOW!

Alice: What?

Snake: Most women would slap me by now.

Alice: Well I am not most people.

Max comes jumping out of the bushes chucking leaves everywhere and mumbling about how gay the day is.

Snake: the freak is back.

Alice: Did not turn out normal did he

Snake: Nope he's gone the opposite in fact.

Max turns and looks at Snake and Alice with psycho eyes.

Alice: Is it me or does it smell like he's been sleeping in dog shit.

Snake: Trust me it isn't just you.

Max: I'VE BEEN SLEEPING IN MY OWN URINE AND FEACES!

Snake starts to shudders.

Snake: Really Max?

Max: YEAH AND NOW I'M GOING TO HURL IT AT THE EVIL GINGER ONE

Alice: Geri?

Max: Yeah

Max hops merrily over to the group and starts going mental

Snake: Alice please don't look.

Alice: I've got to Snake, It's so irresistible not too turn away

Max, points at Geri and Smears his excrement all over Geri's face. Geri screams in horror while the rest of the group edges away from her.

James: I'm really hoping it's gone off chocolate because it really smells bad.

11:00am After several showers Geri appears from the shower room and threatened to castrate max, Mark has finally crawled out from under his bed but Snake caught him and has made him clean Max with the garden hose, Max however is enjoying it. Bruce Jenny and Carl are in the pool while James, Michelle and Pam are in the bedroom.

Mark: SNAKE I NEED SOME SHOWER GEL PLEASE

Snake goes into the house and into the bathroom, to grab some shower gel, he then goes back outside and throws the shower gel to Mark. Mark looks at the bottle.

Mark: HEY THIS IS WOMENS SHOWER GEL.

Snake: HE ISN'T GOING TO NOTICE HE'S LOST IT.

Mark: Oh yeah.

Mark stands back at a distance and squirts shower gel at Max.

Mark: I'M SURE AS HELL NOT RUBBING IT IN!

Alice: USE A SPONGE THAT WAY YOU'RE NOT PHYSICLY TOUCHING HIM.

Mark starts to shudder at the thought of touching a naked psychotic Max.

Mark: YOU GUYS SUCK!

Alice throws Mark a sponge, Mark picks it up looks at it and then hands it to Max.

Mark: You splash me I get Mr Forky on you.

Max starts to dance as he rubs the gel in.

Max: OH GIRLS JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN OH OH JUST WANT TO HAVE FUN!

Mark: You're not a girl

Max: I'm not just a girl; I'M A PRETTY GIRL.

Mark: HELP!

2:30pm Bruce and Jenny are still in the pool while Max runs around naked screaming that he is a pretty girl, Carl is sunbathing with James and Sarah, Alice, Snake and Mark are in the bedroom chatting to one another while Pam and Michelle talk to Geri and help her overcome the fear of toilets.

Bruce: I'm quite concerned about Max, one minute he was a normal hippy loving guy and the next he's an insane maniac running out of control.

Jenny: I'm surprised Big brother has not sorted him out.

Tannoy: This is big brother.

Bruce: Speak of the devil.

Tannoy: this announcement is aimed at Max.

Max stops what he is doing and listens.

Tannoy: MAX SIT!

Max sits down like a dog

Tannoy: ROLLOVER MAX

Max rolls over

Tannoy: GOOD MAX Your treat is in the diary room

Max celebrates and runs to the diary room butt naked.

James: he maybe insane but he has a nice arse.

Sarah: Not as good as Carl's.

James: HE'S FUCKING GAY LOOK HE USE THE LIMP WRIST THING.

Sarah watches as Carl use the limp wrist thing while he's walking.

Sarah: No that don't show gayness it shows he has weak muscles in his wrist.

James: HE DRINKS TEA WITH HIS PINKY UP

Sarah observes as Carl drinks a cup of tea and indeed he raises his pinkie.

Sarah: He's just posh.

James: HE'S NOT POSH HE'S FUCKING GAY; I'VE SEEN HIM IN PINK LADIES THONGS

Sarah: It's not a crime for men to wear thongs

James starts to rip out his hair as he fails to convince Sarah that Carl is gay.

James: Just forget it.

4:30pm Alice, Mark and Snake are in the garden sunbathing, Bruce, Jenny, Pam, Sarah and James are discussing what to have for lunch while Carl and Michelle try to convince Geri that she must go to the toilet or her bladder will explode.

Mark: Did what I see last night was not a dream?

Snake: Yes

Mark: you two kissed?

Snake: yes

Mark: Really?

Snake: Really!

Mark: really, really?

Snake: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES WE KISSED LAST NIGHT!

Everybody in the house stops what they are doing, Michelle runs into the garden.

Michelle: SNAKE YOUR FUCKING BLIND!

Snake: Great now blabbermouth is going to spread it thanks to you.

Alice: She's just jealous.

Mark: yeah so am I.

Alice: Why?

Mark: I Err was going to kiss Jenny but missed her.

Mark sits grinning while his cheeks turn red.

Snake: why are you blushing mark?

Mark: I'm not blushing it's a suntan.

Snake: Yeah and my uncle is a monkey.

Mark: Is he really?

All of a sudden Max comes running out of the diary room wearing a black boob tube, Tight mini skirt, Stockings and suspenders and black knee high boots.

Snake: Alice hold me.

Alice: Why?

Snake: It's my nightmare come to life but replace Raiden with Max.

Alice: Oh

Alice cuddles Snake tightly while Mark look on in bewilderment.

Max: I'M A PRETTY GIRL!

Mark: Hey are any of you two going to smell my feet, I think I stood in one of Max's faeces.

9:30pm after eating hot dogs and chips as decided by Bruce the housemates settle down, most are in the bedroom while Bruce, Jenny, Mark and Alice are sitting in the front room, or sofa area. Max is once again in the garden parading around in a bed sheet and making fires around the garden.

Bruce: I hope to good he doesn't sleep in the garden again tonight.

Jenny: Why's that Bruce?

Bruce: He just freaks me out the way he pops out of the bushes at the most inappropriate of times

Snake: I should not worry I got it covered.

Mark: How's that Mister I'm so big I have a girlfriend and Mark has not.

Snake: Was that Sarcastic remark aimed at me?

Mark: YEAH AND I'M GOING TO TAKE YOU OUT WITH MISTER FORKY.

Jenny: him and that fork. (Shakes head in disbelieve)

Snake: Mister Forky? Who the fuck is Mister Forky?

Mark pulls out a plastic fork from his trouser pocket.

Mark: this is Mister Forky.

Snake goes to grab the plastic fork but Alice stops him.

Alice: Don't do it Snake or Mark will turn out like Max, over the edge.

Snake looks at the way Max has turned out due to the pressures of being in the house (editors note it's been 4 days dammit.)

Snake: Okay you can keep your fork.

Alice kisses Snake on the cheek and wraps her arms around him.

Mark: Jenny Can I hold you like that?

Jenny: No but Bruce can.

Bruce wraps his arms around Jenny while Mark sits all on his own lonely and cold..

Mark: Can someone just hold me?

All of a sudden a pair of arms is flung around Mark.

Mark: Oh that's so much better.

Everyone looks at Mark freaked out; Snake is slowly walking up to Mark.

Snake: mark whatever you do don't turn around.

Mark: Why?

Snake: Trust me just don't.

Mark turns his head to see Max is cuddling him and has one of his hairy legs resting on his shoulder.

Mark: GET IT OFF ME!

Max: I'M A PRETTY GIRL!

Snake Lunges at Max but Max quickly moves out of the way and Snake lands on Mark, Crushing Mister Forky.

Mark: MISTER FORKY

Snake: I will avenge his death for you.

Snake gets up and chases after Max, Max grabs snake by his arm and pulls him against his chest.

Max: KISS ME HANDSOME

Snake: NO THIS ISN'T HAPPENING

Alice: NOT ON MY WATCH FREAK BOY!

Alice jumps from the sofa and pushes Max away from Snake. Snake gets up and helps Alice pin Max to the floor but Max kicks Snake in the face and starts to choke Alice.

Snake: GET OFF HER YOU FREAK.

Snake goes behind Max and pulls him off Alice, Bruce and Jenny give her medical assistant while Snake holds on to Max. Max has other ideas; he head butts Snake and pushes him through the glass patio door cutting up Snakes arms. Snake is stunned but slightly with it. Max strolls up to Snake in a sexy fashion.

Max: Give us a kiss pretty boy, a kiss for a pretty girl

Snake: I suggest you look behind you freak.

Max looks behind him and is greeted with the sight or Mark holding a spade above his head.

Mark: EAT THIS FREAK BOY; THIS IS FOR ATTACKING MY FRIENDS AND ME.

Mark cracks Max around the skull and watches as the idiot crashes against the ground, Snake looks at Mark in surprise.

Snake: Fuck I thought you did not have it in you.

Mark: you'd be surprised.

Alice rushes up to Snake and hugs him Mark gets a complimentary kiss on the cheek from Jenny.

Alice: Snake you're bleeding

Snake: Yeah nothing a little band-aid can't handle.

Bruce: I don't think we have that many plasters.

Snake: Oh well, got any bandages?

2:30am Snake and Alice are in the kitchen while Mark and Bruce carry Max into the bedroom and stick him in a bed with James (editors note boy Is James in for a shock) Jenny is putting all the bits of glass into the bin even the ones pulled out of Snake.

Alice: There you go all patched up; you're all fit to go.

Snake: Thanks Gorgeous.

Snake grabs Alice and kisses her passionately.

Jenny: Oh come off it guys.

Mark comes running in from the bedroom and kisses Jenny passionately then puts her down and struts off. Jenny swoons and hits the floor while Snake and Alice continue to kiss. Bruce see's Mark strutting off doing a polishing of the knuckles action.

Mark: The Mark Mister strikes again.

Bruce: Yeah okay.

He notices Snake and Alice kissing and Jenny on the floor.

Bruce: Fine I'll wake her up.

Snake stops kissing Alice and watches Bruce carry Jenny to bed.

Snake: I think Jenny is going to get the wrong impression.

Alice: poor, poor Mark

Will Jenny know that it was Mark who kissed her? Will James freak out when he discovers Max in his bed? Will Max have some sense knocked into him? Will Snake and Alice ever put each other down or not? I don't know I just write this? And will Carl ever go up to the girls and put them right? Find out next time Oh yeah we also find out what the task is going to be on day seven. He he and the psycho cameras return to haunt poor old Snake.


	5. Day5 It's all gone hell

Well Max has defiantly lost the plot now, he's gone completely mad, has thrown his own faeces at people, turned into a girl and has chucked snake through the glass patio window. Snake is fine, had his arms cut up but nothing a normal bandage can't fix. Mark has lost his friend mister Forky in the bust up between Max and Snake but has finally admitted he likes Jenny. Geri is now scarred for life with toilets, Carl is still letting girls think he's straight (even though it's obvious he is not) and James is I for the shock of his life when he wakes up and finds Max is in his bed. The other housemates are fine. The window has been amazingly fixed quickly.

7:00am big brother awakens the housemates the sound of a howler monkey in the jungle

Snake: I hate monkies.

Alice: I hate early Mornings

Mark: I HATE MAX HE KILLED MISTER FORKY.

Jenny: And he pushed Snake through the patio window.

James starts to stir and fights his way to the surface from under his duvet.

James: Guys keep the noise down I've only just woken up.

Pam: Don't be such a pussy James.

James: How would you like it if I screamed in your ear while you were dreaming about naked Carl?

Pam: Well if you were Carl I'd like it very much.

James: BUT I'M NOT CARL

Pam: Oh well that's different I'll punch you in the face

James: Well thanks for your honesty.

James turns around and notices something moving in his bed.

James: WHAT THE FUCK IS IN MY BED?

Bruce: EVERYONE CLEAR THE ROOM

Everyone slowly heads towards the bathroom while Mark, Snake and Bruce go outside the bedroom and stand against the door; James slowly removes the duvet.

Max: I'M A PRETTY GIRL KISS ME

James: GOD NO

James runs towards the bedroom door but it won't budge because of Snake, Mark and Bruce leaning against it on the outside, so James is left to run around the bedroom in the hope Max gives up.

Max: COME HERE AND KISS ME BIG BOY!

James: GET THIS FUCKING FREAK AWAY FROM ME!

9:30am James has finally escaped from Max's clutches of peril because Max got tired and went for a shower wearing his clothes. Snake, Alice, Mark and Bruce are cooking breakfast while Geri, Pam, Michelle and Sarah are in the pool. Carl and James are sitting on the sofa's talking about their lives (I don't know why, they just are.) Lets join them.

Carl: So how long have you known you're gay?

James: Longer then you could possibly imagine.

Carl: Come on spill the beans.

James: I will if you put the girls straight about your sexuality?

Carl: Okay deal.

James: I've known for a month.

Carl: Well I've been gay for a year.

Pam walks by and winks at Carl, Carl winks back.

James: Well tell her.

Carl: You know what I screwed you over

James: YOU FUCKING JAMMY GAY BASTARD.

Geri comes over and cracks James round the head with yet another stool.

Carl: Where do you get them stools from?

Geri: They are just lying around the house.

11:10am Snake and Alice and Mark are larking about in the pool, while the rest of the housemates sunbathe in the garden, Max however is running around the garden pretending to be a tiger and is completely naked once again.

Mark: How's your arms Snake?

Snake: They are all right a bit sore but fine.

Mark: A bit sore? YOU WENT THROUGH A PAIN OF GLASS.

Snake: And?

Mark: on a normal person it would fucking kill.

Alice: Well its obvious Snake is not normal.

Mark: Are you suggesting his alien?

Alice: NO YOU MORON. I'm just saying it's obvious he's not normal because he's going out with me.

Snake: Yeah and I can dislocate my shoulder.

Snake dislocates his shoulder.

Mark: That's disgusting, I'll try.

A large pop is heard and echoes across the garden. The housemates fall silent and look in Marks direction.

Snake: It seems you can do it too.

Mark grimaces in pain and bares a smile at the same time.

Mark: Can you put it back in for me please?

Snake: Okay but I'm warning you it's going to hurt like hell.

Mark: I really don't care at this moment in time.

Snake grabs marks arm and slams him against the pool wall and again a large pop was heard.

Mark: FUCKING HELL, THAT FUCKER HURT MORE.

Alice: He did warn you Mark.

Mark: YEAH BUT IT FUCKING HURT MORE.

Snake: Well at least that pain is bearable, it's worse when the doctors take ages and all the while the joint is scraping along the surface of the socket.

Alice: Or the joint could have pierced your skin.

Mark: Okay I get the bloody point.

All of a sudden Max stops prancing abut like a tiger, he turns around and runs straight for the pool and jumps into the water.

Snake: SHIT THE FREAK IS IN THE WATER.

Alice: Clear the pool

Alice and mark jump out of the pool Snake climbs out but Max grabs his foot.

Snake: Why does this always happen to me

Max drags Snake under the water and pins him to the bottom of the pool, Snake struggles to get free but Max grabs his head and prepares to kiss Snake.

James: (sighs) I'll get him shall I?

James jumps into the pool and grabs Max around the throat, Snake swims free and drags himself out of the pool while James struggles to get away from Max; Max elbows James in the face knocking him unconscious, Max swims to the surface and jumps out of the pool he runs into the middle of the group of sunbathers and shakes his body.

All: MAX YOU BATSARD

Alice: Where's Mark?

Snake looks down into the bottom of the pool and notices Mark laying Unconscious at the bottom of the pool.

Snake: Oh dear.

1:30pm An announcement is made to the Housemates from Big brother, Snake thinks the cameras have began to stalk him again Alice has agreed with him, Mark is recovering from his near death experience in the pool and the fact that James performed mouth to mouth on him, Geri has finally gone to the toilet but had Michelle hold her hand, the rest of the housemates have locked themselves in side the house while Max runs around the garden screaming that he is a pretty girl.

Tannoy: This is big brother, could Snake please go to the diary room

Snake: Why so I can talk to a stupid camera again. No thanks.

Tannoy: We need you to see a medical expert Snake.

Snake: I'm not fooling for it.

Camera: DO AS HE SAYS!

Snake: NO WHAT YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?

The camera turns to face Snake and begins to electrocute him for about ten seconds.

Snake: OH COME ON I'VE HAD WORSE

The camera again electrocutes Snake for ten seconds.

Snake: IS THAT ALL YOU CAN DO?

Camera: I CAN DO WORSE

The camera opens up and brings out two miniguns from its undercarriage and aims both of them directly at Snake.

Camera: YOU HAVE TEN SECONDS TO COMPLY.

Snake: Okay I'm going.

James: I really hate to be on the wrong side of those cameras.

Sarah: If we behave they won't hurt us.

Mark: They are bluffing, they would not really kill us otherwise the rest of the show would be shit.

Pam: he maybe a moron.

Mark: HEY!

Pam: But he has a point.

Mark: I'll test it out. HEY CAMERA I LEFT A NICE BIG BROWN LOG IN THE TOILET AND I DID NOT FLUSH.

All the cameras look at Mark and all of them brings out their miniguns and aim them at Mark.

Camera: YOU HAVE 20 SECONDS TO FLUSH THE TOILET OR YOU WILL DIE.

Mark: Mummy.

Bruce you better start running boy.

Mark runs to the bathroom, all the cameras around the house are following his every move.

Bathroom camera: YOU HAVE 5 SECOND TO FLUSH

Mark: HEY WHEN I GOT HERE I COUNTED AT LEAST 15 SECONDS LEFT.

Bathroom Camera: DON'T ARGUE YOU HAVE NOW GOT ONE SECOND TO FLUSH

Mark quickly flushes the chain and all the cameras watch as the bowl flushes clean, the cameras put their guns away and turn their attentions elsewhere.

Cameras: WE ARE NOT BLUFFING

Mark: I think the grim reaper and me are becoming best of friends now.

Max runs up to the patio windows and yells at the housemates.

Max: I'M A PRETTY GIRL WILL SOMEONE PLAY HAIRDRESSER WITH ME.

All the housemates start to cringe.

3:30pm after spending two hours with the big brother doctor Snake finally emerges from the diary room, his arms covered in bandage.

Alice: You all right?

Snake: yeah fine, they pumped me up with pills and told me to keep the cuts covered for another day.

Alice: Well at least you don't need stitches.

Snake: Yeah true.

Mark: (smiling) hey the cameras nearly shot me.

Snake: Why are you proud of that?

Mark: because they did not kill me.

Snake: Right.

Mark: And I found another plastic fork and I named him Mister Forky the 2nd

Alice: Why don't you stab max in the head with it.

Mark: good idea.

Max runs up to the windows again and starts to lick them then he hurls his own faeces at the window and then rubs his body in the mess he has created on the window.

Alice: It's like watching a caged animal, when he's been in too long he starts to turn insane.

Snake: It's only been 5 days.

Mark: Long enough for some.

Bruce: Will someone go out there and give him some clothes; I'm kind of getting fed up of watching his genitals bouncing around.

Carl: Well I'm not complaining.

Michelle: Exactly Carl, it's only natural for them to hang free.

James: I could say it but I know I'll get knocked put by one of Geri's stools again.

Jenny: Say what James?

James: That Carl is gay

Snake picks up a stool and cracks James around the head knocking him unconscious.

Snake: Hey Alice you should try this, it relives a lot of stress.

James begins to come round but is knocked out cold again because Alice hits him round the head.

Alice: You know what honey you are right.

Snake grabs Alice and passionately kisses her and forces her to the ground (editors note yes they are still kissing at this point)

All: GUYS PACK THAT IN.

Mark: I want to do that. Jenny can I kiss you again like I did last night.

Jenny: That was Bruce who kissed me.

Mark's lip starts to quiver and a single tear rolls down his cheek.

Bruce: Are you crying?

Mark: No that's the effect of wind.

Bruce: But there is no wind.

Mark: I farted.

Everyone except Alice and Snake who are still kissing on the floor edges away from Mark.

Bruce: So who is giving Max some clothes?

Everyone looks at James.

James: Oh please not me anything but me.

Everyone grabs James and some clothes and chucks him out in the garden with Max; they lock the door behind him and start to wave at James through the windows. Max is charging up to James.

Max: FRIEND!

James: OH MERCY

7:30pm everyone has sat down for dinner, Alice and Snake have finished their three hour kissing marathon and have joined Jenny, Bruce and Mark at the beanbags while most of the housemates are at the table, James has been tied up outside by Max who is parading around in a dress and Bruce is feeding Max by putting a stick with food on it out the door.

Bruce: Hey look it's like feeding a dog.

Max follows the stick that Bruce is waving around.

Bruce: MAX BEG

Max begins to beg

Bruce: Good Max now FETCH!

Bruce throws the stick, which lands, in James lap. Max follows the stick.

James: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD NOOO!

2:30am Max has finally gone to sleep, James remains tied up while the rest of the housemates have gone to bed. Snake Alice and Mark are in the front room.

Alice: Max looks cute when he's sleeping.

Snake: Yeah until when you sleep he savagely jumps on you and tries to snog your face off while screaming "I'M A PRETTY GIRL"

Alice: Did you have that nightmare again?

Snake: Yeah this time he tied me in my bed and tried to kiss me, and then I woke up.

Mark: Who is this Raiden guy?

Snake: Some blonde haired freak I had to work with once, when the mission was over he turned spastic and thought he was a girl.

Alice: So why the nightmares?

Snake: Coz I found him laying in my bed once wearing Ladies underwear.

Mark: Okay please don't go on.

Alice: How did you get rid of him?

Snake: (cringes) I had to pretend I was gay and lead him to the front door, then I kicked him and ever since then I have had nightmares.

Mark: What happened to him?

Snake: I really do not know.

Alice starts to hug Snake as he buries his face in his hands.

Alice: It's okay you got me now.

Snake: Yeah true.

Snake kisses Alice's hand.

Mark: Hey I got it; we got to convince James to act gay on Max.

Snake: Why?

Mark: Because if James goes gay on Max, Max will eventually click that himself is male and that he was made to be with women thus ensuing him turning back to normal and no longer throwing his own shit around.

Snake: What are you some sort of scientist now?

Alice: No but it makes sense, but we need someone less convincing then James but is also Gay

Snake and Mark: CARL!

Alice: Exactly

Snake: You're a genius Alice.

Mark: HEY! What about me, I came up with it.

Snake: Okay yeah your one too, now if you excuse me I'm going to Kiss this genius.

Mark: NO NOT ME!

Snake: ALICE YOU IDIOT

Mark: Oh!

Snake and Alice get into a passionate clinch and begin to kiss on the sofa.

Mark: Hey guys just a word of warning but I farted.

None of them pay attention; Jenny walks in to the kitchen.

Jenny: Why do I get the sense you three are up to something?

Mark: Snog me and I'll tell you the plan.

Jenny: (sigh) Fine.

Will the plan to turn Max normal succeed? Will Mark eventually convince Jenny he likes her?

Is Big brother going to clean the windows after Max smearing his excrement over them? And will James escape Max's evil clutches? Who knows Because I'm evil LOL


	6. Day 6 one down one to go

Max has again been the centre of attention, He nearly drowned Snake and then knocked Mark unconscious while underwater, He's rubbed his excrement onto the patio windows and now the housemates have forced him outside and that's where he is staying until they can sort something out. Snake, Mark and Alice seem to have the cure while James is outside tied up while Max is running around him like a maniac. The cameras have just proven they are still psychotic and Geri has finally overcome her fear of toilets.

7:30am big brother awakens the house with the sound of a police siren.

Mark: SHIT THE COPS ARE AFTER US!

Bruce: I DID NOT STEAL ANYTHING I SWEAR!

Michelle: You idiots it's the alarm, god are you two thick or what?

Mark: Oh right I forgot, it's the alarm.

Bruce: Thank god for that.

Geri wakes up suddenly.

Geri: I PAID FOR THE MAKEUP I HAVE THE RECIPT!

Mark: Geri is the wake up call.

Geri: Oh right, I'll just have a shower now.

Geri quickly gets out of bed and ruches to the bathroom

Bruce: What was that all about?

Mark: Who knows, maybe she had been framed in the past or something.

Snake and Alice have woken up and discovered they had been sleeping on the kitchen floor and there is broken glass and things around them.

Snake: Okay how the hell did we get here?

Alice: I don't know, why is there broken glass and stuff around us? It's like we been chucking things around.

Snake: Did someone let Max into the kitchen?

They both go to the window to see that Max is still out in the garden asleep.

Alice: Nope Max is still out there.

Snake: Must have been us then.

Alice: yeah I'm going with that.

Jenny appears from under the kitchen sink, half undressed, lipstick smeared and with a great big smile on her face.

Snake: I don't think it was us.

Jenny: What a man

Jenny stops and falls back to the ground laughing and giggling.

Alice: okay this gets weird; I'm going for a shower.

Snake: yeah I think I'll have a shower too.

Alice and Snake slowly edge away from Jenny and head towards the bathroom, Mark appears from the bedroom and walks into the kitchen to see the devastation that greets him and Jenny laying on the floor laughing.

Mark: Okay what the hell?

Jenny looks up and points at Mark

Jenny: Come here darling one.

Mark: I don't get it.

11:30am All of the housemates are indoors watching Max in the garden harassing James, Alice, Mark and Snake are in the bedroom talking to Carl.

Alice: Carl we need your help.

Carl: What for?

Mark: bringing Max back to the real world.

Carl looks at Mark, Alice and Snake blankly.

Carl: You want me to help bring over hyped hippy freak back to reality?

Snake: yeah.

Carl: that's impossible.

Mark: why is it impossible?

Carl: Because hippies can't be brought back to reality, the nearest thing to reality is saneness.

Snake: Okay can you help bring Max back to saneness?

Carl: What's in it for me?

Alice: We haven't thought of that.

Carl: well I'll make a suggestion, a romantic dinner for two out in the garden how does that sound?

Snake: What's the catch?

Carl: I want it to be with James.

Mark: Done.

The four of them discuss the plan on how they plan to bring Max back to the sane world, they then inform the other housemates of their plan and thankfully all of the housemates (apart from James) are in agreement but it will only be done after afternoon tea because they are not doing it on empty stomachs.

Geri: Please Carl after these don't swing the other way.

Carl: I'm afraid to say it but I'm Gay.

Michelle: Yes we know you are happy.

Carl: No I'm gay.

Geri: Okay your happy we get it.

Carl: I'M A POOF

Pam: Yeah but only until Max is brought back to being sane again.

Carl: BUT I FANCY JAMES.

Sarah: No the plan is you fancy Max, Max is the insane one.

Carl turns to look at Alice and Snake but they shake their heads.

Carl: forget it!

1:30pm the housemates are in position in the attempt to turn Max back to saneness again. Everyone is going up to Carl and giving him a hug (It's not like he's going to die but in a sense he's going to war) Geri and Michelle have clamped onto him like limpets while Pam and Sarah cry into their t-shirts.

Snake: it's been nice knowing you solider.

Carl: I'm not going to die Snake.

Snake: If it's anything like my nightmares you are going to be scarred for life.

Carl: Thanks for the confidence boost.

Snake: No problem

Snake salutes Carl and walks over to the patio door where he will be released into the garden with Max.

Mark: Brave man

Jenny: He's not as brave as you.

Mark: what?

Jenny pounces on Mark and kisses him passionately.

Snake: That's who created the mess this morning.

Carl walks up to the patio door and opens it, Max stops harassing James and turns to look at the Carl who is standing at the patio door, Carl slowly walks out into the garden while Snake quickly closes the door.

Carl: MAX LET JAMES GO!

Max: WHY? HE MAKES ME FEEL LIKE A PRETTY GIRL!

James: NO I DON'T I TOLD YOU, YOU ARE A BLOKE AND I DON'T LIKE YOU!

Carl: I CAN MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A PRETTY GIRL A LOT BETTER THEN HE CAN!

Max stands and crosses his arms; he turns to look at Carl.

Max: PROVE IT!

Carl: (Cringing) Snake shoot me now.

Carl walks up to Max and grabs his bottom.

Carl: I'll kiss you, a kiss for a pretty girl from a pretty boy.

Geri, Michelle, Pam and Sarah: We can't watch!

Carl kisses Max for two minutes then lets go of him.

James: SEE CARL IS GAY!

Max blinks then starts to shake his head.

Max: What the fuck am I wearing?

James: Girls clothes.

Max: Why am I covered in shit?

Carl: you were sleeping in your own excrement for three days.

Max starts to shudder.

Max: Did you just kiss me?

Carl: yes and I did not enjoy it.

Max: HOLY SHIT!

James: What?

Max: A MAN KISSED ME.

Carl: Yes that's right.

Max looks at James and Carl in horror.

Max: I'M LEAVING YOU TWO QUEERS ALONE

Max runs towards the house and yells to be let in, Snake opens the door and allows max to run to the bedroom.

Snake: I think we done it people.

All the housemates celebrate, James and Jenny continue their passion rampage and trash the kitchen once again, Snake and Alice just hug each other.

3:30pm Jenny and Mark have ended their passion rampage, Bruce, Snake, Alice and Max are in the garden while Michelle and Sarah are in the kitchen, Geri, Pam, James and Carl are on the beanbags discussing what happened earlier.

Pam: Well thank god that's over.

Geri: Yeah.

Carl: I kissed Max.

James: Yep I'm afraid so

Carl: Full on kiss with Max.

Geri: If you kiss me it helps you too forget.

Carl: I can't kiss you.

Pam: I think he's mentally scarred Geri

James: No he's gay.

Pam: He had to kiss Max James.

James: BUT HE'S GAY, HE ADMITED IT TO ME

Geri: YES I KNOW HE'S HAPPY.

James: NO HOT HAPPY QUEER!

Geri goes to grab a stool but Pam has beaten her to it and batters James around the head with it, knocking him out cold for the 600th and 11th time.

Carl: He was telling the truth.

Geri: What that your happy, yeah we knew that but he accused you of being queer

Carl: Are you blind or something

Geri: No but Michelle thinks Snake is.

Snake and Alice walk into the house and start to kiss in front of Michelle.

Michelle: YOU ARE FUCKING BLIND SNAKE!

Michelle Starts to bounce her tits in front of Snake but Snake ignores her, Sarah shakes her head and Michelle just collapses to the floor crying.

6:30pm the housemates are enjoying their dinner, most of the housemates are eating on the sofas, Carl, Mark and Snake are in the garden while Max, Alice and Jenny are in the bedroom eating.

Max: So what the fuck happened to me?

Alice: You went mental over something.

Max: OH SHIT!

Jenny: what's up?

Max: You saw my alter ego Maxine.

Alice: yes and she was extremely scary.

Max: like 30 million people saw her.

Jenny: I'm afraid so Max

Max: Did she hurt Snake's arm?

Alice: yep you pushed him through the patio window.

Max: thank god she did not cover him in petrol and torch him.

Alice and Jenny look at max stunned.

Max: Oh I forgot to tell you she is a pyromaniac on the quiet.

Alice and Jenny still look at him stunned.

Max: Oh yeah and she's into bondage and sadomasochism too.

Alice and Jenny start to shake.

Max: I think I have told you two too much.

8:30pm Outside in the garden Mark and Snake are preparing a table for Carl and his romantic dinner that Alice had pre cooked in preparation, Carl is dressed in a smart suit while Mark and Snake are dressed as waiters (in a way, they just have white towels over their arms).

Snake: okay here are the rules.

Carl: we have rules now

Snake: YES GOD DAMIT

Carl: okay only asking. What are the rules?

Snake: No manly kissing in front of Mark, and me wait until we piss off inside then you can kiss.

Carl: Fine

Mark: Are we having the same dinner?

Snake: No Mark we have had ours.

Mark: but I want some of the food they are having.

Snake: We can't Alice and Jenny only made enough for two.

Mark: But I'm hungry.

Snake: MARK JUST SHUT UP!

Jenny Drags James out of the house by his ankles, while Alice prepares the first course, Snake and Mark walk inside (with the white towels) and grabs the first course. (Editors note stuffed mushrooms with melted cheese, why can't I have some?) Then they walk back outside and gives them to Carl and James.

James: Oh great I'm hungry

Carl: So am I

Carl winks at James but James doesn't notice.

Mark: Did he just wink at me?

Snake: I'm hoping he did not.

Mark: So am I. I want to eat that mushroom.

Snake: No Mark you cannot its Carls.

Mark: But I'm really hungry

Snake: WHY DON'T YOU EAT SOME GRASS?

Mark: FINE I WILL!

Mark picks up a handful of grass and starts to eat it.

Snake: Mark you're an idiot.

Mark: Needs some pepper adding to it?

10:30pm Carl and James have gone through the main course and desert and have ordered Mark and Snake to leave them alone, so they do.

Carl: I hope you liked this meal.

James: it was nice.

Carl: what do you think to me?

James: I think you're a jammy gay bastard

Carl laughs.

Carl: I like you.

James: Yeah as a friend I bet.

Carl: Do you know why I set this dinner up?

James: Yeah because your hungry.

Carl: No it's because I want to go out with you.

James looks at Carl stunned, and then Carl kisses James on the cheek.

Carl: See I have feelings for you; I have had them since the start.

James: You just kissed me.

Carl: yes as a sign for my affection.

James: You know what. I prefer it if we never talked of this again.

James gets up and starts to walk away from the table only to be greeted with a stool being slapped across his face from Snake. (Editors note 600th and 12th time) Carl is sitting at the table crying while Alice tries to comfort him.

Mark: THE BASTARD ATE ALL OF THE FOOD.

Carl: (blubbing) Yeah and he did not care.

Mark: No he did not think to leave me some

Alice: MARK SHUT THE HELL UP.

Snake: Well look at this way he's laying unconscious

Alice: SNAKE!

Snake: No think about it, Carl can carry James to his bed and nurse him back to recovery

Alice: Oh yeah good idea.

Carl stops crying and smiles, he picks James up and carries him to the bedroom, Mark sits at the table and starts to cry.

Alice: What are you crying about?

Mark: All that food look tasty but I never got any to taste.

Snake: Oh for fuck sake, Alice cooks him some will you?

Alice: I'll get Jenny to do it for him.

1:30am most of the housemates are in bed. After jenny cooked Mark some of that lovely food and eaten it Jenny and Mark start to destroy the kitchen with yet another passionate kissing rampage, Snake and Alice are sitting on the sofas watching the two destroy the kitchen.

Snake: I am not clearing that mess up

Alice: Yeah since the first time was not us.

Snake: Yeah it was them, THEM I TELL YOU!

Mark manages to grab the kitchen counter, and get back on his feet.

Mark: HELP SHE'S A NYMPHOMANIAC.

Snake: Mark that's a good thing.

Mark: IT'S NOT I CAN'T BREATH SHE SMOTHERS ME.

Snake: I'm sure you'll get use to it.

Jenny grabs Mark's t-shirt and hauls him back to the floor, all that you can see of mark is his hand stretched above the counter, then it disappears.

Alice: it still doesn't clear up how we got to be on the kitchen floor.

Snake: I'm still trying to figure that out myself.

Alice: Maybe we were turfed out of our beds as a prank.

Snake: No, we were not in our bedclothes.

Max walks in the kitchen and grabs himself a glass of water; he looks down at Mark and Jenny and rolls his eyes.

Max: The problem with this house is it's all about sex, why does it have to be all about sex. I mean come on people do you see me having sex with a plant just because it recycles carbon dioxide?

Snake and Alice look at Max with shocked looks.

Max: What? I don't do it plus I have a point.

Snake: Well according to Mark you poked a camera with your winky.

Max looks at Snake stunned.

Max: I feel dirty now.

Max walks back into the bedroom while Alice and Snake still try to piece together how they got to the kitchen floor.

Snake: Forget it, I can't remember.

Alice: I'm sure we will remember somehow.

Snake: I think you look great in the clothes your wearing today.

(Editors note: Black three quarter length trousers, tight white t-shirt and a camo hat.)

Alice: Well I think you look great in your clothes.

(Editors note: FUCKS SAKE I WAS SLEEPING, sigh black jeans and black t-shirt)

Snake flicks off Alice's hat and begins to kiss her passionately; Alice pushes him up to the kitchen counter and then Snake turns it so she is leaning against the counter instead of him, the Cameras however are watching.

Camera over patio: HEY DAVE WE CAN SELL THIS ON AS CHEAP PORN.

Camera in Kitchen mirror: I AGREE, I'M GETTING ALL THE GOOD VIEWS.

Camera near diary room: TOO MUCH SLE DESTRUCT IN 2 SECONDS.

Camera near patio: YOU CAN'T SELF DESTRUCT

Camera Near diary room: OH FUCK IT.

Alice: Wait I know how we got on the floor; we were doing what we are doing now.

Snake: You know what I don't care now.

Has Max's reign of terror ended or is he still on the edge? Will Carl ever get his man? Will Mark get over the fact that Jenny is a nympho? What is the task big brother has up its sleeve? Are the girls ever going to see Carl is gay? Who Knows, I don't fucking know, you don't know even my parrot don't know and he can see into the future. Anyways enough of my ramblings find out next time.


	7. Day7 Heaven Hell & a nympho

It's unsure that Max's reign of terror has ended, okay he snapped out of being a pretty girl but who knows how many alter egos he has laying under the skin. Carl and James had a romantic dinner together however James was not happy and walked away leaving Carl crying and Snake resorting to violence in order to make Carl happy (I hate watching a grown man cry too). Alice and Snake finally figured out how they got on the kitchen floor and Mark has realised that Jenny is a nympho. It gets worse because today is the day they get their task and god helps them. Literally.

7:00am big brother awakens the housemates with the sound of a pack of wolves howling.

Geri: They should use that one for nighttimes.

Michelle: I agree but it has been known that some wolves howl at the sun too.

Geri: What are you miss Richard Attenborough now?

Michelle: Maybe I don't know, did you know that spider plants…

Geri:(cutting in) OKAY SHUT UP.

James starts to stir and arises from under the duvet; he looks at his bed and see's that someone has shared a bed with him.

James: Please don't let it be max again.

He uncovers the mystery person and realises its Carl.

Carl: Good morning handsome

Pam: Awww that's sweet he's complementing you.

James: PAM HE'S FUCKING GAY.

Pam: DON'T MAKE ME USE THE STOOL

James: I'll shush now.

Carl: I spent the night with you, made sure you did not fall out of bed and give yourself further concussion.

James: I got concussion now?

Carl: Snake cracked you round the head with a stool last night because you were being an arse to me.

James: Who are you again?

8:00am Snake and Alice awaken in the garden while mark and Jenny awaken in the bathroom under a running shower.

Snake: Alice we got to stop doing this.

Alice: I agree we only do it when we are in bed.

Snake: At least we will have an explanation as to why we are on the floor.

Alice: Yeah but you do look great looking all scruffy and that.

Snake: (smiling) Great here we go again.

Alice grabs Snake and starts to kiss him, Max awakens and finds he's been in a bed with Bruce and a plastic fork.

Max: SHIT PLEASE I HOPE I DID NOT DO WHAT I THINK I DID?

Bruce: It's okay buddy all you done was jumped in bed and fell asleep cuddling the fork.

Max: it was what I was doing with the fork that worries me.

Bruce: You were singing into it something along the lines of I'm going to kill you with my plastic fork.

Max: OH FUCK

Bruce: I should not worry about it.

Max: Trust me you should.

Bruce gets out of the bed and heads towards the bathroom while Max is left shuddering.

10:30am all of the housemates are on the sofa's reading out today's task that will only last for two days (Editors note: Week tasks are too bloody long and well two days is enough.)

Their task is to dress as nuns and monks they are allowed to wear normal clothing underneath, Men being the nuns and women being the monks, they must not swear or take the lords name in vein, commit any sins and they must pray before each meal, they cannot take off the habits during the time they wake up till after their last meal of the day otherwise they fail the task. The housemates go in to the storage room and claim their habits and put them on.

Snake: I DON'T WANT TO DRESS IN LADIES CLOTHING.

Mark: (dressed as a nun) Does my bum look big in this?

Alice: (dressed as a monk) Yeah it does Mark.

Mark: well at least I don't look like a hoodie

Snake: (now dressed as a nun) Can someone shoot me?

Pam: No snake we would fail the task.

Alice: besides it's only for two days and your disguised as a penguin.

Snake: That's not funny.

Mark: DUDE PENGUINS!

Snake: (Struggling not to swear) MARK SHUT THE FUDGE UP.

Bruce: Sister Snake please calm down.

Snake: well sister Bruce please tells Sister Mark not to act like a moron.

Bruce: Sister Mark please stop acting like a moron.

Alice: Yeah Mark or I set brother Jenny onto you

Mark: (Struggling not to take the lords name in vein) OH GNOME NO, PLEASE NOT BROTHER JENNY

Pam: What is with brother Jenny?

Mark: She's a Fudging nympho.

Pam, Bruce, Michelle and Sarah look at Mark shocked.

Mark: It's true.

Jenny: Yeah it is true and Sister Mark is looking radiant in that habit.

Pam: Brother Jenny may I suggest you think about things before you commit a sin.

Snake: I'll commit a sin in a minute.

Alice: Sister Snake please do not even think about it.

12:30pm the housemates have gathered round the table for afternoon lunch, Geri is the speaker for this afternoons prayer.

Geri: Dear God thank you for the food you have provided us with today, it looks tasty and all of us are great full for it. Amen.

All: Amen.

Snake: can we eat now because I'm starving?

Mark: yes you can.

Snake: hoo-blooming-ray

Max: I have this sudden urge to get on the table and start to dance and sing.

James: Sister Max if you do we maybe forced to use violence.

Snake: Yeah we will break your legs.

Mark: and your ankles.

Max: okay sudden urge to dance has disappeared.

Alice: If anyone feels the urge to commit any felonies or sins then big brother has provided us with lemons and onions.

Bruce: Brother Alice is correct, you must suck a lemon if you have an urge or if that don't work then you must eat a raw onion in order to fend off any urges.

Jenny walks from the table and grabs an onion and starts to eat it.

Sarah: Have an urge Brother jenny?

Jenny: I have the urge to rip off sister Mark's habit and commit the sin of lust.

Mark: Please don't.

Jenny: OH MINGLES DOES THIS TASTE NASTY. ALL YOUR FAULT SISTER MARK.

Mark: Oh it's always my fault it's never sister Snakes fault.

Snake grabs a lemon and starts to suck it.

Carl: Sister Snake why are you sucking a lemon.

Snake: Because sister Carl if I don't I may end up punching sister Mark in the face.

Mark: Why don't you grab a stool and hit sister James with it.

James gets up and grabs a lemon and also begins to suck it.

James: I too have the sudden urge to punch sister Mark in the face

Mark: Do you all have the urge to smack me in the face?

Everyone gets up and grabs a lemon and sucks the juice out of it.

Alice: I think that may have answered your question.

Max: I like lemons, but they are better when they have been covered in pig's blood.

Everyone looks at max stunned.

Max: Sorry but my one of my alter ego's just loves it.

3:15pm Most of the housemates are indoors while Alice and Snake are in the garden walking around in circles, Mark is in the kitchen hiding from Jenny while Max's makes everyone a cup of tea.

Mark: Sister Max can you keep me covered in this cupboard?

Max: Why? Are you worried Brother Jenny may leap on you and commit a sin?

Mark: Yes.

Max grabs an onion and starts to cut it up.

Mark: Why the elephant are you doing that?

Max: Did you just say elephant?

Mark: Yes it's to replace the word that means opposite to heaven.

Max: Oh right, well I'm going to put onions in brother Jenny's tea, try and stop her committing a sin.

Mark: I think it's going to need more then just onions.

Max sighs he grabs a lemon and starts to squeeze the juice in to Jenny's cup

Max: this better be worth it because I'm going to elephant for defiant now.

Max hands the tea to Jenny and starts to run out of the house and into the garden, Alice and Snake watch as Max starts to hide behind a bush.

Snake: Please don't tell me Max has lost it again.

Max: No it's for a different reason this time.

Alice: I wonder what it could be?

Jenny: MAX WHEN I TAKE THIS HABIT OFF I'M LEGALY GOING TO COMMIT THE WORSE SIN POSSIBLE ON YOU!

Max: MURDER IS NOT A SIN IT'S AN AFELONIE.

Jenny: I DON'T CARE I'M STILL GOING TO COMMIT IT.

Max: Snake please be my bodyguard?

Snake: You're on your own buddy.

Max: Well it could have been worse; I could have shit in her tea. But I did not I put onions and lemon in her tea to stop her committing a sin on Mark. Do I get any thanks? Do I elephant?

Alice: Did you just say elephant?

Max: It's to replace the word that is opposite to heaven.

Snake: oh you mean…

Alice: (cutting in) yeah that word

Snake: it's just the word…

Max: (cutting in) Elephant yeah, please don't repeat yourself.

Snake: okay why can't I say the word…

Alice: (Cutting in again) Elephant? Because if you do we fail the task and it would mean no food.

Snake: Fine I won't say the word….

Max: ELEPHANT!

Snake Again. Okay with that?

Alice: yes fine.

Max: Oh for the love of bananas, I've ripped my habit.

Snake: I'm not even going to ask.

6:45pm The housemates have gathered round the table for their final meal of the day, Bruce has gotten up to say the prayer or to say grace as one puts it.

Bruce: Dear God.

Mark: Sounds like a letter.

Bruce: sister mark please don't interrupt the prayer.

Mark: Sorry sister Bruce

Bruce: thank you god for providing our brothers and sisters with this food we are truly grateful for this and the roof above our heads too. Amen.

All: Amen

Mark: What does Amen stand for anyway?

Max: End of communication.

Pam: End of letter.

Sarah: No it means thank you.

James: Or Goodbye for now.

Carl: No it's defiantly thank you.

Mark: Why does everything I say turn into some sort of political debate?

Jenny: Mark hurry up and eat you dinner.

Mark: Why?

Jenny: I WANT TO RIP YOUR CLOTHES OFF

Mark: Mummy

Jenny leans over to grab Mark but Max saves him by ramming a raw onion in Jenny's mouth, jenny cringes and sits back down again.

Mark: thank you Max.

Max: I'll see you in elephant.

Snake: Oh here we go with the elephant thing again, why don't you just say…

All: (interrupting) ELEPHANT.

Snake: See was not so hard now was it?

Everyone sighs a breath of relief.

Snake: You all said Elephant again.

Alice: I'm afraid so Snake.

Snake: just you lot wait as soon as I get out of these ladies clothes I'll say that word as much as I want.

James: That's okay because after dinner we won't care.

Snake: I think I'm going to cry now.

Max: Please don't.

Snake: Or commit a felony

Max grabs a lemon and sticks it in Snakes mouth

Snake: (looking mighty pissed and staring at max) GROUGH SHOS GEAD.

Max: What did he say?

Alice: I think it was along the lines of your so dead.

8:30pm Big brother has given the housemates the call to take off their habits and continue with their daily routine of life, Mark is hiding under Snake's bed away from Jenny, Max is sitting on the bed opposite talking to him, Snake, Alice, Bruce and Pam are in the garden watering the grass and prating about, Michelle, Geri, James, Sarah and Carl are sitting on the sofa's watching Jenny trying to find Mark.

Geri: I would never have thought that Jenny was a nympho.

Michelle: poor old Mark, he maybe an idiot but you got to feel for him.

Carl: I would not mind saving him.

Geri: So considerate of you Carl but it's natures way.

Sarah: If it were you in that situation I'd save you.

Carl: if James were a nympho to me I would not mind.

Michelle: because you would hit him.

Carl: No not really.

Geri: oh you'd talk to him see if he would calm down?

Carl: No I would not do that.

James: You'd prefer me to grab you and perform naughty things to you.

Carl: Exactly

Geri: Oh give him false hope.

Michelle: Cruel but nice.

James: YOU IDIOTS CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S GAY, HE WOULD ENJOY IT BECAUSE HE IS GAY.

Geri: RIGHT THAT'S IT

Geri, Michelle and Sarah grab a stool and all three of them belt him round the head (editors note: Most normal people would die by now or get brain damage but we can't allow that in this place.)

Carl: Poor old boy.

Geri: Don't give him sympathy.

11:30pm Most of the housemates have gone to bed, Jenny is still prowling for Mark while Mark and Max are still in the bedroom hiding. Snake and Alice are doing their usual kissing.

Max: Hey Mark I found this fork in my bed last night, it's plastic.

Mark: Mister Forky, He lives.

Max hands mark the fork

Mark: I'M UNSTOPPABLE WHEN MISTER FORKY IS WITH ME!

Max: Okay don't get over excited it's just a plastic fork.

Mark: He's a killer fork.

Max: Okay whatever.

Mark gets up and walks to the bedroom door, Max follows behind, they open the door and Jenny notices Mark standing in the door way.

Mark: COME AND GET IT HUNNY

Jenny: I'M COMING GORGEOUS

Jenny runs up to Mark, max is standing at one side holding the door, waiting for a signal from mark. Jenny comes within an inch of kissing Mark but Mark dodges out of the way and jenny lands into the closed door that Max closed just in time.

Max: HELL YEAH TAKE THAT NYMPHO.

Mark: We got to quickly put her in the garden.

Max: Why the garden?

Mark: because when she wakes up she can't run across the room and snog my face off.

Max looks at Mark blankly.

Max: God are you gay or summat, I would love to have that in the morning.

Mark: Even if she was to use tongues and stops you from breathing and you end up choking to death because she is playing tonsil tennis with your tonsils.

Max: on second thoughts no, lets get her in the garden.

Mark: I thought as much.

Mark and max haul Jenny into the garden ran away and locked the door behind them.

Mark: I could not have done it without you.

Max: hey thanks but its no problem really.

Mark: NOT YOU THE FORK.

Max: You ever heard of the phrase GET A LIFE.

Mark: Come to think of it no.

Max slaps his forehead.

Max: Forget it, I'm going off to bed.

Max wonders off to bed while Mark walks over to where Alice and snake are kissing.

Mark: Hey guys I got mister Forky back.

Snake raises his hand to give him a high five, which mark gladly replies.

Mark: And I found out max is secretly in love with sucking toes.

Snake and Alice stop what they are doing and looked at Mark shocked.

Mark: Hey thought that get your attention.

Snake: Can't you see I'm committing a sin?

Mark: No I'm blind.

2:30am Mark, Alice and Snake are the only one's awake.

Alice: Mark why is Jenny in the garden

Mark: I put her there because I did not want to wake up with her ramming her tongue down my throat and smothering me.

Snake: I TOLD YOU NYMPHOS WERE A GOOD THING!

Mark: They are not what they are cracked out to, always want to ram their tongue down your throat, even when you're attempting to swallow food.

Snake: Okay I take that statement back.

Mark: Might see if I can fix her up with Max.

Max sleep walks into the kitchen grabs a spoon and starts to indulge in some left over ice cream; he's not putting it in his mouth but on his head.

Snake: What the hell is that weirdo doing?

Alice: Sleep eating by the looks of it.

Max: I need to add some Tabasco sauce.

Mark: He's fucking nuts

Max grabs the Tabasco sauce he found in one of the cupboards and adds it to the ice cream, he takes a spoonful and starts to eat it then all of a sudden he wakes up.

Max: OH NOT AGAIN!

Alice: Now I think he has woken up.

Max: WHY DID YOU NOT WAKE ME?

Mark: Your not suppose to wake people from sleepwalking.

Max: BOLLOCKS. My other alter ego is starting to come out.

Snake: who is that?

Max: Maxus, he has an obsession with food and has a bad tendency to smother people with food when they are sleeping, just to make it look like I did not do it.

Alice: How many of these alter egos have you got.

Max: Six.

Snake: We are well and truly screwed.

Will we see anymore of Max's alter egos? Will jenny wake up wondering how the hell she got in the garden? Will Max get with jenny at some stage? Will I ever stop asking you stupid questions like I am doing now? Will the housemates pass the Task? They better do or they will have to starve for a week.

Plus day 8 introduces eviction nominations, come on I know I'm behind but hell give them some chance of survival hey?


	8. Day 8 tales of an elephant

Well It's been an interesting past few days ladies and gentlemen, Max goes on a rampage, nearly a bitch fight, cameras going psychotic, Carl and James admitting each others feelings (in a way), Jenny turning out to be a nympho and all other sorts of stupid things including the task which brother set. Well it's the second day of the task and the final day may I add because come on how much longer can we take of people saying elephant to replace hell ad other words to replace things that relate to god, like bananas.

6:45am Big brother decides to awaken the housemates up at a weird time and with the alarm of church bells and wailing cats.

Alice: Okay I think the bells were enough but the wailing cats just took the biscuit.

Snake: If they were real I'd throw a brick at them.

Alice: A brick I would have though you would have used something a bit stronger then that.

Snake: Well if it to be cats and dogs together it would have been a grenade.

Alice: Now that's more like it.

Mark wakens next to his plastic fork, which Max had found.

Mark: Ahhh Mister Forky I'm sol glad I have you as a protector.

Bruce: I'd hate to break it to you buddy but it's just a bit of plastic.

Mark: IT IS NOT, HE'S REAL DAMMIT REAL.

Bruce: HE IS NOT HE'S JUST A PIECE OF WHITE PLASTIC MOULDED INTO THE SHAPE OF A FORK.

All of a sudden the fork jumps from Mark's pillow and hits Bruce in the eye.

Snake: Okay Now I have seen everything.

Mark: Have you seen a psychotic twig yet?

Snake: No not yet.

Mark: then you have not seen everything.

Bruce: WILL SOMEONE GET A MEDIC PLEASE.

Snake: May I add you keep that fork on a leash

Mark: It's a plastic fork Snake it's not going to go anywhere.

Snake: BUT IT JUST DID!

Mark: Oh so when the fork protects himself he automatically is assumed to be put under control of a leash?

Snake: I'm not going to bother answering that.

Jenny awakens in the garden covered in food and ice cream.

Jenny: Okay why am I covered in food?

Max looks out of the window to see that she is indeed covered in food.

Max: OH NO MAXUS HAS STRUCK AGAIN.

Max runs away from the window leaving Jenny bewildered and confused

7:30am all the housemates are once again dressed in their habits Bruce is sporting an eye patch and are gathered around the table for breakfast, mark is taking this morning's prayer or whatever you want to call it.

Mark: Dear god, thank you for awaking us this morning to the delights of the sun rising, thank you also for the invention of plastic forks, they are great when you need good protection.

The entire group around him slaps their foreheads.

Mark: Thank you also for giving us this food we have laid on the table. It looks yummy. Amen

All: Amen

Bruce: Sister Mark that was lovely but I do think you could have left the plastic fork bit out.

Sarah: Yeah it's a bit excessive.

Mark: You won't be saying that when the fork protects you from vicious people.

Bruce: Is that aimed at me?

Max: Oh here we go again (grabs two onions incase of a sin or felony being committed)

Mark: Well yeah you did say it was plastic and look what happened.

Bruce: YOU'RE FUDGING FORK LEPT UP AND ATTACKED ME.

Mark: YEAH WELL YOU THOUGHT IT WAS USLESS.

Bruce: (raising a fist) I OUGHTA…

Max jumps in and rams an onion in Bruce's mouth.

Max: For the love of your brothers and sisters please do not carry on.

Mark: He started it.

Max: Mark please shush.

Mark: he accused it of being useless.

Max: That's it I have had enough

Max grabs a raw onion and also rams it into Mark's mouth.

Snake: Sister Max should be called the sin king.

Alice: All in favour say ay.

All: AY!

Mark: HUEGH WHAY, HEUGH WHAY KITH THIF GIEF. GHAT KA FHOWER FOF KA FHIGHTY GHORK.

Bruce: GHUGH GAND KAK GHOXY FLACTIK GHORK.

Snake: Okay, translation to all that?

Alice: Mark said Max will pay, he will pay with his life at the power of the mighty fork while Bruce said you and that poxy plastic fork.

Snake: Thank you brother Alice.

10:30am Bruce is in the kitchen eating another raw onion while Mark is out in the garden with Max. Jenny, Sarah, Pam and Geri are on the sofas discussing what happened this morning, Michelle is in the bedroom tidying up while James, Carl, Snake and Alice are tidying up the main section of the house.

Jenny: I woke up this morning in the garden covered in food.

Geri: I heard, Max came screaming in the bedroom saying oh no he has struck again.

Pam: Who would that be?

Sarah: I'm saying it was Mark, We all know Mark is afraid of you.

Jenny: Why? What is he afraid of?

Pam: You're a raving Nympho.

Jenny: Oh that, well I'm glad it's working, it finally gets him off my back for a while.

Geri: You put that on?

Sarah: That's vindictive.

Pam: Not to mention cruel and nasty.

Jenny: Well I'm hoping to attract Max.

The three Girls look at jenny in deep shock.

Pam: But he's a raving lunatic.

Jenny: He has multiple characters that's all.

Sarah: One of them is a woman.

Jenny: I can handle that.

All of them shudder.

Geri: All of a sudden mark is now a healthier option.

Pam: but no one can top Carl, He's the best.

Pam, Sarah and Geri all sigh.

James: BUT CARL IS GAY!

Geri grabs a stool but is stopped by Alice who hands her three onions and orders her and the rest to place them in their mouths, which they do.

Geri: FHEWN GIM HUNE GIN KHIS GAPHIT GHUGR KOING CO KHEWLAKANT.

Snake: For the love of…

Alice BANANAS

Snake: Will somebody translate what that mother….

James: FUDGER

Snake: Is on about.

Alice: She said when she is done in that habit she is going to send James to elephant.

Snake: IT'S NOT ELEPHANT IT'S…

Alice: ELEPHANT. One question are you going through PMT Snake?

Snake: This outfit makes me feel this way. Sorry for shouting.

Alice: You'll be free soon.

Carl: I don't know this outfit makes me feel comfterble.

1:30pm all of the housemates are gathered for their afternoon meal. This time the speaker is going to be Michelle.

Michelle: Thank you lord for giving me this body and the people around me, I hope your light can bring sight to those who lack it (gazes angrily at Snake) I'd also like to thank you for the food and water you have provided me err sorry us. Amen

All: Amen

Max hands Alice a onion to chomp on.

Snake: Sister Max why did you give her one of them?

Max: I could tell she wanted to hit Michelle.

Snake: can you pass me a lemon?

Max: why?

Snake: I feel like calling her a few choice words.

Max hands Snake a lemon which he starts to eat.

Snake: OH GRAPES THIS IS SO FUDGING NASTY.

Alice: GIT PHWILL COPH GHU GINGING.

Snake: Sorry Alice I did not understand you.

Max: Don't look at me I don't know what she said.

Mark: I think she said I like to clap my hands and celebrate plastic forks.

Bruce: WILL YOU SHUT UP WITH PLASTIC FORKS

Snake: I think there were a you in there somewhere.

Michelle: I think she admit she was ugly and you were blind

Snake starts to eat the lemon a bit more.

Max: Hang on I think I got it, I think she said it will stop you from sinning.

All: OH!

Mark: I'm glad we cleared that up, now where's Mister Forky.

The entire group groans.

Mark: Hey he just wants to make a speech.

Jenny: Mark leave it till tonight hey, by the looks of Bruce I think he may commit a felony on Mister Forky.

Mark looks at Bruce, He is really mad and his veins are bulging through his skin.

Mark: Eeep.

4:15pm Most of the housemates are on the sofas while Max, Mark, Jenny, Snake and Alice are walking around the garden.

Carl: I'd never had thought wearing this would be so very comfterble

Geri: Well It does look very comfterble to wear I will admit but I'm not sure about the headgear.

James: If you want my verdict the headgear strangles you a bit.

Carl: No I'm sure I like the Headgear.

Michelle: I like a man who shows his feminine side once in a while.

Pam: Amen to that brother.

James: There is a reason why he shows his feminine side.

Sarah: Because he has a rapor with women?

James: Nope

Pam: He went to a girl's school?

James: Not even close.

Michelle: he lives with women?

James: You're freezing cold.

Geri: Well what is it clever clogs?

James: He is gay.

All the girls look at him angrily

Michelle: START RUNNING

James: Okay bye bye.

James starts to run and heads outside into the garden where he takes cover .

Mark: okay I think James has been threatened with the stools again.

Snake: Yeah I think that too.

Max: I'm not surprised; he's been hit round the head more times with a stool then a hand.

Alice: I don't think they have ever slapped him round the head with their hands.

James: KEEP THEM AWAY FROM ME!

Snake: What the girls or the stools?

James: BOTH

Michelle comes up to the patio door

Michelle: YOU ARE SO GOING TO ELEPHANT.

Snake: For fudge sake stop saying elephant, because and elephant is an animal, it is not even remotely close to…..

Mark: ELEPHANT.

Snake: Exactly Mark. Now lets not raise this matter again.

James: I feel like spontaneously combusting.

Alice: James don't do that because that would be classed as selfishness.

Mark: And I think that is a felony.

James grabs a rock and starts to hit himself on the head with it.

James: They will all go away, they will all go to elephant before me.

Snake: What did I say about the elephant matter? Now please ramble quietly to yourself or I will be forced to shut you up.

Max hands snake a lemon from out of his pocket.

Snake: Thank you Max (chomping into it face cringing)

Alice: Sour?

Snake: (nearly choking) you can't imagine how sour it is.

7:00pm for the last time the housemates are gathered around the table for their last meal of the day and their last prayer, which is being taken by Max.

Max: Dear Lord.

Mark: I'm telling you it sound like a letter.

Bruce: Sister Mark please don't interrupt or the fork gets it.

Max: Thank you Sister Bruce I may carry on, We are thankful for what lessons this task has gave us, we are also thankful for the lemons and onions you have provided us without them we may have failed this task several times over. Thank you so much for the food and drink you have given us and the roof above our heads. Amen.

All: Amen.

Carl: That was so beautiful.

Jenny: Well done Max.

Max: well it was hard work trying to keep this group together.

Mark: Yeah the fork will tell you that.

Bruce: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT MENTIONING FORKS?

Mark: I won't do it again.

Snake: Can we have no more talk about elephants please?

Alice: After this meal elephant won't be used again in any context relating to…

All (excluding snake): ELEPHANT.

Snake: Yeah because elephant does not relate to…

All: ELEPHANT

Snake: Because it is living and breathing and it is not burning up and covered in limestone.

Mark: Oh I know what you are trying to say, elephants are not like….

All: ELEPHANT.

Mark: Because that would be very silly.

Alice: Yeah a limestone elephant on fire. It be classes as an……

All: ELEPHANT

Alice: Elephant.

Mark: That be a cool elephant actually.

Snake: SHUT UP ABOUT THE ….

All: FUDGING

Snake: ELEPHANTS IT MAKING ME SICK.

Alice: It's okay Snake the costume will come off.

Snake: I don't want to be a penguin anymore.

Alice: You're not a penguin you're a nun.

Snake: Whatever, I want to cry.

Carl: So do I, I will never get to wear this uniform again.

All look at Carl strangely.

Carl: It was nice knowing how it felt while it lasted.

9:45pm Big brother has given the housemates to remove their habits and return them to the storeroom and then to sit on the sofa area.

Tannoy: This is big brother

Mark: Did he say big brothel.

Max: No but at times it feels like a brothel, theirs too much sex going on. Oooh I like you oooh so do I lets fuck. And then the most sex I get is when I'm completely crackers and start to poke a camera with my winky.

All look at Max stunned.

Camera over patio door: I QUITE ENJOYED IT TOO.

Snake: Okay cameras have feelings now?

Bruce: I'm scared.

Snake: I have a plan.

Alice: You have that evil face on so I'm thinking it's an evil plan.

Snake: Oh yeah

Alice: Kiss me

Snake: With pleasure.

Max: SEE OFF AGAIN WITH THE SEX.

Michelle: SNAKE IS BLIND, BLIND I TELL YOU, I COULD WALK PAST HIM NAKED AND HE WOULD NOT EVEN CARE.

All look at Michelle stunned

Bruce: I don't think I'd even consider looking at you while your naked.

Mark: That's called attention seeking.

James: well said Mark.

Max: SHUT UP THE CAMERAS ARE TRYING TO SPEAK.

Carl: Actually it's a voiceover.

Max: I DON'T CARE LET THEM FOR FUCK SAKE SPEAK.

Tannoy: Big brother would like to say all housemates have passed the task and you will be getting a 500-pound shopping budget.

James: YEY CONDOMS FOR ALL

All; YEY

Cameras: YEY WE CAN NOW PRETEND TO BE BALLONS.

Max: SEX THAT'S ALL IT IS WITH THIS HOUSE.

2:00am Snake, Alice and Jenny are the only three awake the rest of the housemates are all asleep however Max has been sleep walking again and has joined Snake, Alice and Jenny.

Max: I like love

Jenny: Oh really I like it too.

Max: I like it on my head please.

Snake: If I poke him in the eye do you think he's wake up?

Alice: Don't know try it.

Jenny: Oh no you don't I'm trying to get through to him.

Max: I think Jenny is sexy.

Snake: What about Alice?

Max: Alice has nice big tits.

Snake: I'm going to punch him in the eye.

Jenny: IF YOU DO THAT I'LL CASTRATE YOU!

Snake: Woooo okay crazy lady.

Jenny: carry on Max.

Max: I want to do naughty things to jenny.

Alice: I think we have heard enough.

Alice tips a glass of cold water over Max's head.

Max: OKAY WHY AM I HERE?

Jenny: SHUT UP AND KISS ME FOOL.

Max: OH NO NOT AGAIN NOT ANOTHER ALTER EGO.

Snake: Too late Maxi boy.

Jenny jumps onto max and starts to kiss him, he tries to wriggle free but it's not working.

Alice: Snake I think we should tell Mark.

Snake: Can we do it in the morning; I kinda want to commit a few sins at the moment.

Alice: Relieve some caged up tension?

Snake: That's the one.

Alice: Fine by me.

Alice and Snake head off to bed leaving Max fighting to get away from jenny. And to Max's delight no actual sex is going to happen.

Will Max fight free of Jenny? Will big brother start the nominations before I actually watch the real program? Will Bruce kill Mister Forky? And will Mark grow up? Who knows really.


	9. Day 9 the curse starts to show

Well I am sorry for not keeping up to date for a while all I can say is that at the moment the PS2 has ruled my life but hey I'm over it now. Anyways back to the story thing. Max has just shown a third alter ego (a nympho) Mark has gained another plastic fork as a mister Forky, Snake could not get passed the whole elephant thing with the task, the group passed the task and now they are feeling better. Today the housemates make up the shopping list and other stuff I can't be arsed to tell you. Now then where is my PS2 controller?

Day 9 6:30am big brother has awoken the housemates with bombs exploding.

Snake: Oh great they are back to the military noises.

Alice: Why is that bad?

Snake: It sends Mark into a hissy fit and he usually ends up lying under his bed threatening to stab everyone with his poxy plastic fork.

Indeed mark awakens with shock, runs around the room in blind panic, hides under his bed and threatens to stab everyone with his fork.

Alice: yeah okay I see your point.

Snake: I think the word shell-shocked don't quite cover it.

Alice: No I think the word lost the plot does however.

Mark: YOU COME NEAR ME I KILL YOU WITH MY FORK!

Bruce: Please not the fork thing again.

Mark: LOOK MISTER FORKY A NON-BELIVER!

Bruce: DON'T YOU EVEN….

Mark grabs his fork and stabs Bruce quite hard in the foot.

Bruce: YOU FUCKING…

Snake: Hold that word Bruce or you may have half the female population stabbing your foot.

All the women in the house give evil glairs at Bruce

Bruce: (sheepishly) cheese stick

Pam: That's better.

Alice: Okay I think Bruce has more injuries then a war veteran.

Geri wakes up with her face splattered with a cream cake and ice cream, she starts screaming and heads to the bathroom with Michelle following behind her with a towel. Max wakens to the screams.

Max: Okay what's wrong with her?

Sarah: She has awoken with cake on her face and ice cream.

Max: OH GOD NOT AGAIN.

Jenny wakes up next to Max.

Jenny: What's wrong hot stuff?

Max: DID WE JUST DO WHAT I THINK WE DID?

Jenny: Yes and it was very good.

Max:OH FUCKING HELL.THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING

Max runs out of the bedroom and into the garden screaming his head off while Mark is still hiding under his bed and stabbing peoples foot.

Mark: HE HE ANOTHER ONE BITES THE FORK!

Pam: It's dust Mark, Dust.

Mark: SHUT UP SWINE.

Pam: Shesh I was just helping.

9:30am Big brother has called all housemates to the sofa area, after three hours Mark has eventually came out of his bed with the help of Snake teasing him out with a piece of bacon on a stick.

Tannoy: This is big brother, we would like all housemates to complete the shopping list on the blackboard provided, you must use all of the five hundred pound given to you and you must include sensible things and you must give the reasons for any special requests. You must follow the price list we have provided also.

Snake: So no bullets to shoot anybody who annoy the fuck out of me or to shoot myself?

All: NO!

Snake: (low grumble) damn

Bruce: Any suggestions?

Snake: Yeah how about food?

Bruce: Well yes that is obvious but what sort of foods?

Max: Sausages.

Jenny: Pork chops

Michelle: Steak

Sarah: No no I think Chicken would be best

Alice: We need sanitary towels

Snake: DID NOT WANT TO KNOW THANK YOU!

Alice: Sorry.

Sarah: Toilet roll.

Max: Yeah I'm not wiping with a leaf again

Everyone looks at max with strange looks.

Max: Well It's true I'm not.

Mark: PLASTIC FORKS

Bruce: We are not having plastic forks.

Sarah: Hay it saves on washing up.

Mark: and I can build my army.

Snake: Mark

Mark; What?

Snake: SHUT THE FUCK UP OR BULLETS WIL BE ON THE LIST.

Mark: Eeep, okay I'll behave

Alice: Okay look lets bring some formation into this.

James: Oooh are we playing football now?

Alice: NO IDIOT.

Snake: Any more comments like that and bullets are defiantly on the list.

Carl: I don't think bullets are on the list big brother has provided us.

Snake: Yep bullets are defiantly going on the list now.

11:30am after two hours of arguing the housemates finally come up with a shopping list, which Alice takes to the diary room. Max is in the garden doing the gardening while Jenny follows behind him, Mark is in the kitchen, there is no reason why, Geri, Michelle, Pam and Sarah are trying to figure out who put cake on Geri's face while Carl and James are arguing in the bedroom who used the bog roll, Bruce is wondering around while Alice and Snake lark about in the pool splashing and causing hell.

Carl: I ALREADY TOLD YOU I ONLY USE TWO SHEETS PER WIPE.

James: WHEN I LAST LOOKED I HAD 239 SHEETS LEFT NOW I'M DOWN TO 150 SHEETS.

Carl: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU USED IT.

James: HALF AN HOUR AGO AND THAT WAS MY LAST COUNT 239 SHEETS.

Mark walks into the room clutching something behind his back.

Mark: I WOULD LIKE TO JOIN IN WITH THIS RAISED CONVERSATION FORWARD SLASH ARGUEMENT.

Carl: WE ARE ARGUING.

James: ABOUT TOILET PAPER, HE'S USED MOST OF IT!

Carl: NO YOU DID!

James: NO YOU DID

Carl: NO YOU

Mark: OKAY TURNING THIS INTO A PANTO SKETCH IS NOT HELPING.

Carl: YES IT IS

James: NO IT ISN'T

Carl: YES IT IS

Mark: FUCKING SHUTUP.

James: I have lost 89 sheets of toilet paper.

Carl: Oh Whoop de fuck its loo roll.

Mark: Hmm I found 89 sheets of loo roll in the fridge and I have it right here.

Mark shows James the loo roll he rescued from the fridge.

James: Precious loo roll, I'd be lost without you. WHO STOLE IT?

Mark: How the fuck should I know?

James: (evil glare at Mark) IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT?

Mark: Okay I'm getting out of this room, bye bye.

2:30pm After having afternoon tea most of the housemates are in the garden sunbathing, James is in the sofa area gluing the loo roll back together and mumbling to it that it would be okay, Carl is in the bedroom crying on Geri's shoulder about his first argument with James as usual Geri just thinks he's being caring and not gay.

Mark: James and Carl were arguing over loo roll today.

Alice: Why?

Mark: I don't know, James lost 89 sheets and went ballistic at Carl.

Snake: He was throwing a gay mans strop.

Mark: does that include raised voices and the hand thing? (demonstrates)

Snake: Yep, classic gay mans tiff.

Alice: How would you know?

Mark: Yeah Snake how would you know?

Snake: Look watching Raiden arguing on the phone to his so called girlfriend and talking about girly things is enough for me to know okay?

Mark: Errr yeah sure. This is the one who came onto you right?

Snake: DO NOT MENTION THAT TO ME AGAIN.

Mark: Why what you going to do hit me with your handbag?

Snake grabs Mark by the throat.

Snake: I HAD TO ACT GAY TO GET THE FREAK OUT OF MY HOUSE, YOU UNDERSTAND?

Mark: (with restricted airflow) crystal.

Snake lets go of Mark.

Snake: Let never have this conversation again.

Alice: Did you put bullets on the list?

Snake: Oh yes. Why?

Alice: I think I may join you on the killing spree.

Mark: Can I come?

Snake: NO YOU HAVE THAT POXY FORK.

Mark: Oh yeah.

7:30pm all of the housemates are gathered at the table eating dinner.

Topic of conversation: James and the toilet paper

Temperature: Mild

Weather: It's evening idiot

Big brother cam: Active and horny.

James: Some bastard stole these 89 sheets of toilet paper

Holds up the evidence

Geri: Are we back at primary school now?

Snake: No we are in James pantomime.

James: No we are not.

Snake: Err yes we are.

James: No we are not.

Snake: I think we are.

James: Not.

Mark: SHUT UP WITH THE PANTOMIME SHIT. Over to you James.

James: The Toilet paper was found in the fridge.

Everyone sighs in shock.

James: And it was cold.

More sighs of shock.

Alice: Yeah guys fridges do keep things cool

Another burst of shocked sighs.

Snake: ARE YOU LOT STUPID?

Another more outrageous and ridiculous shocked sighs.

Max: Sorry I was not listening where was the loo roll found?

James: the fridge.

Max: Oh that was me I keep it in the fridge.

Shocked looks

Max: Hey come on using cold paper to wipe is quite gentle on your skin.

Snake: I hope you know you are a freak?

Max: Plus if my psychotic alter ego is anything to go by, it could have been used already.

James looks at the paper and cringes.

James: OH GOD I HAVE TOUCHED MAX'S SHIT.

Geri: At least it was not on you face

Snake: And Max one more thing, you are sick.

Max: Hey don't blame me it was not entirely my fault.

Mark: Oh that's it blame your alter ego.

Geri: Yeah ease off them guys

Michelle: Just because they are challenged does not mean they are different, they have rights too.

Pam: Well said Michelle.

Max: I FUCKING GIVE UP!

Snake: Have we any lemons left?

Max: YES WHY?

Snake: Think you should suck on one before you murder someone.

Max: THAT'S THE FUCKING BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD ALL DAY.

Mark: Snake and good ideas don't mix you know.

Snake: SHUT UP FORK BOY.

Mark: I maybe a fork boy but at least they protect me.

Bruce: (eye patch and bandage on foot) I should know, the bastards keep attacking me.

Mark: Yeah that's right they have no father.

Snake: I don't think he meant that.

Mark: Who cares it makes me look like I'm intelligent.

Snake: I do as it makes you look stupid.

12:30am Most of the housemates are in bed and only Max, Snake, Mark, James and Alice are awake.

Snake is in the garden by himself with a fire he made while the rest are on the sofas chatting about the incident involving Max and the loo roll.

James: So how did you discover that cold loo roll makes it softer on your skin?

Max: Oh I accidentally left some loo roll outside in the cold once.

James: You go to the loo outside?

Max: No, I forgot to bring it in with the rest of the shopping.

James: Damn I was hoping you would say you do.

Max: Why?

James: Makes you look more of a freak.

Mark: What do you mean more? How can you possibly say more?

Max: Well I needed some loo roll urgently, went outside, brought it in, used it and there you go.

Mark: I like that idea.

James: I may have to try for myself.

Max: Oh I would make a hell of a difference in feeling.

Alice: No offence guys but this conversation is boring me, I'm going outside to keep Snake Company.

Mark: Oh yeah lover boy is more interesting then a conversation about loo roll.

Alice: Actually yes he is.

James: She's bitter because she doesn't understand.

Max: Totally.

Mark: Amen brother.

Alice: Okay you are starting to freak me out by sounding like a bunch of middle-aged women.

James: Toilet roll is a serious issue.

Alice: I really could not care less

Max: well we all know who will be using leaves to wipe.

Alice walks outside and leaves Mark, James and Max to carry on discussing about loo roll.

James: Any other loo roll tips?

Max: Yeah you can reuse the toilet paper.

Mark: Eeeewww

James: I prefer not to ask.

Max: Or you could use the loo…

James and Mark: STOP RIGHT THERE!

Meanwhile outside in the garden, Snake is sulking and Alice is trying to figure out why.

Alice: Hey what's wrong grumpy?

Snake: Nothing much really other then the fact I'm surrounded by freaks.

Alice: Oh thanks I'm a freak now?

Snake: No not you, you're an exception, you're just like me, tough cookie, smart and don't see the point in all this.

Alice: Yep, that's me down to a tea.

Snake: what is with Mark and plastic forks?

Alice: I don't know but they were talking about putting loo roll in the fridge.

Snake: Yeah like I said freaks.

All of a sudden a gun appears in Snake's hand without him realising.

Alice: Hey Snake where did you get that gun?

Snake: What gun?

Alice: That one in your right hand.

Snake: Oh that. You know I really don't know, it just appears and then I get this urge to shoot something.

Alice: If you're going to shoot anything, shoot them lot in there.

Snake: As tempting as it seems, I may have to consider shooting the wall behind me.

Snake shoots the wall behind him and the bullet from the gun deflects off the wall and into the patio door causing a huge crack in the window.

Max: Bloody birds.

James: Birds don't fly at night.

Max: okay bloody cats then.

James: That's better.

Back outside.

Snake: Oh shit, that's going to cost me

Alice: Hey it's gone now.

Snake: what the gun?

Alice: yes the gun.

Snake: Thank fuck for that. All I'm worried about is waking up one day inside a cardboard box.

Alice: You mean a coffin?

Snake: No a cardboard box, I woke up inside one in the middle of New York central park.

Alice: God that must have been embarrassing?

Snake: It was I woke up wearing my pyjamas and just appeared in front of an old man feeding pigeons.

Alice: That isn't so bad.

Snake: the old man was a close enemy by the name of revolver ocelot he was pissing himself laughing.

Alice: Okay now that is bad.

Snake: Yep this has been going on since 1999 and it's only now that these things have slowed down, from 1999 up to now did I use to wake up in strange places or wearing strange things like thermal goggles in the shower.

Alice: Your cursed.

Snake: I think I need help.

Alice: I'll get Max onto it

Snake: OH GOD PLEASE NOT THAT WEIRDO.

Alice: He may be a freak but I know he can break curses.

Back inside

Max: good night all

Mark: Night Max, thanks for the tips.

James: I'm putting all loo roll in the fridge from now on.

Mark: good idea.

Geri come out of the bedroom for a glass of water.

James: hey I have gone through one day without Geri smacking me round the head with a stool because I said Carl was gay.

Mark: YEY

Geri comes along and smacks James around the head with a stool knocking him out cold for god knows how many times.

Mark; Spoke to soon James.

Will Max cure Snake's curse? Will James ever stop getting smacked round the head with stools? Will Max's cold loo roll trick work? And will Mark stop going on about forks? Only god knows them answers because I don't. Well I warn you know it maybe another week till the next update due to the fact I'm doing a hell of a lot of college work and it damn well sucks. I'm now going to cry.


	10. Day10 cure for a common cold?

Well Snake has discovered that his curse has just re appeared and he wants it gone so Alice has suggested he goes and see's Max, Mark was planning his invasion using plastic forks but his invasion plans were stopped when plastic forks were not put on the shopping list. James has discovered a new and improved way of gentle toilet paper thanks to the help of Max and Max woke up with Jenny in his bed and soon realising that he had done the dirty with her. Nominations to be today thank god and Snake puts into action his plan with the psycho cameras, EMOTIONS WOOHA HA.

7:00am big brother awakens the housemates with hardcore club music

Pam: I have heard this track before.

Michelle: oooh I listened to this on my first one nightstand.

Mark: WAY TOO MUCH INFORMATION!

Bruce: you see this line here? (points to an area on the floor) well you have just gone over that line.

Michelle: I was just stating the truth.

Mark: there's the truth and then there's the disgusting truth you keep in the locker, yours was a disgusting truth.

Michelle: so I should have kept it in the locker?

Bruce: yeah because now half the nation knows what track you listened to while you were playing horsie with another man.

Michelle: it was not horsie it was…

Mark: SHUT UP!

Snake Appears out form under his duvet.

Snake: God this music is shite.

Pam: No it's not it's quite good it reminds me of summer.

Snake: Well it reminds me of a dustbin cart crushing things.

Alice: In other words it's rubbish.

Snake: That's the pleasant word yes. Why are you in multicolours?

Alice looks at him strangely. Snake turns to look at the rest of the group and find they are also looking at him strangely.

Snake: It's happened again hasn't it?

Alice: I'm afraid so Snake you are wearing thermal goggles.

Snake: OH FUCK IT!

Mark: FORKS!

Alice: No Mark not forks, fuck it.

Mark: Fuck it.

Alice: Well done Mark you got it right

Mark: As in Oh fuck it I thought you said forks.

Bruce notices a plastic fork in Marks back pocket and starts to panic.

Bruce: KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!

The fork jumps from Marks pocket and attacks Bruce's arm.

Bruce: WHY DO YOU CURSE ME LORD?

Snake: I think the plastic forks have something against him.

Alice: Err Snake (pointing to the magazine that Snake is holding)

Snake: Wha… Oh for fucks sake this is getting ridiculous now.( throws magazine to the floor)

Alice: Think you need to see Max.

Snake: NO THE LINE STOPS THERE.

Alice: Your funeral.

Snake: On second thoughts I will grit my teeth and see the ponce

Alice: Good.

Snake: Will I get rewarded?

Alice: Maybe.

Mark: DOWN MISTER FORKY GET OFF BRUCE

Bruce's arm is bleeding quite badly after several fork pricks from the plastic fork.

10:15am big brother has called all housemates to cast their nominations. I can't be bothered to go through all of the reasons and bollocks so I will give you a selection of three, Max, Snake and Bruce.

The camera: Hello Max, Big brother would like your two nominations and your reasons for nominating these people.

Max: First nomination would be Jenny. She wants to hump my leg and it's getting rather annoying. Not that I'm Gay or anything but come on she just wants sex constantly. You must get fed up with a women wanting sex out of you all the time. IT WAS JUST ONE FLING IN THE NIGHT AND IT WAS NOT MYSELF BEING NORMAL.

Camera: Second nomination Max.

Max: I'm saying Michelle, as she is a prat. That's it really. A total utter Prat.

Camera: Thank you Max you may leave the diary room.

Max leaves and Bruce enters with his arm bandaged up and his eye patch.

Camera: Hello Bruce, Please give us the names of your two nominations and your reasons.

Bruce: Mark because if he leaves then I won't have to worry about the psycho forks attacking me ever again. My second nomination would be Michelle As I just find her very annoying trying to pull Snake and we all know it isn't going to work. I mean dude, She's just a Chav and a fat one too. It's revolting.

Camera: Thank you Bruce you may leave the diary room.

Bruce Leaves and Snake enters.

Camera: Hello Snake.

Snake: FUCK OFF.

Camera: Please give us the names of your two nominations and your reasons.

Snake: HELL NO.

Camera: Snake it is an essential rule you must follow.

Snake: why what if I don't what will you do then?

Camera reveals two miniguns.

Camera: WE WILL KILL YOU AND SAY YOU LEFT BIG BROTHER.

Snake: Did you know that the camera in the garden fancies the fuck out of you?

Camera: No really?

Snake: Oh yeah, won't stop talking about you.

Camera: Can you set me up a date?

Snake: Err yeah I think so.

Camera: Give me two nominations and I will go.

Snake: Okay fine. First nomination is Michelle. I don't like her one bit and the second nomination is Bruce so I can put him out of his misery and clear him from the forks.

Camera: Thank you Snake and don't forget our deal.

Snake walks out. Anyways it turns out that Jenny and Michelle are up for nomination so ha to them.

1:35pm Snake is in the garden with the cameras while Alice is talking to Max about Snake's curse, Mark is in the pool with Sarah and Jenny talking about random bollocks, Geri, James, Michelle and Carl are sitting on the sofas talking about Ice cream. Bruce meanwhile is hiding

Michelle: I like Ice cream; I like it when it's just out of the freezer.

James: Strangely enough so do most people. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

Michelle: I thought it was just me.

James: You're an idiot.

Geri: I like it when it's just melted; slips down your throat so easily.

Carl: I like it over certain body parts so I can wrap my tongue around things.

Geri: Oh now that's very saucy.

Michelle: Strawberry sauce is very good mixed with vanilla ice cream.

Geri: Not that sort of sauce Michelle.

Michelle: Oh the other one. Chocolate.

James: SHUT UP FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

Cracks Michelle around the head with the stool.

Geri: Now that was not gentlemanly.

Carl: I like a man with a bit of aggression.

Geri: Yeah they stand up for their women.

Carl: turns me on.

Geri: Yeah because when you stand up for your women the testosterone in your body is flowing like wild fire.

James: No it's because he fancies me and he's gay.

Geri: HE IS NOT GAY.

Geri goes to grab a stool but James runs away; Unfortunately for James he slips up and cracks his skull on a stool and knocks himself out.

Geri: Silly prick. Oh well peace and quiet for a while.

Carl: I get worried at the amount of times he gets concussed.

Geri: Oh he's fine.

Outside in the garden.

Snake: So anyways she wants to know if you want to go on a date?

Garden Camera: OKAY I WILL, I THINK SHE IS RATHER HOT.

Snake: Where you going to meet her?

Garden Camera: AT THE PATIO DOORS.

Snake: Oooh a stud are you?

Garden camera: MAYBE, WHY ARE YOU HOLDING A KEY CARD?

Snake: I am not (looks at left hand holding a key card) Bollocks. ALICE IT'S STARTED AGAIN.

Garden camera: PLEASE TELL HER TO MEET ME AT HALF THREE IN THE MORNING.

Snake: No problem.

Over to Alice and Max.

Alice: So can you do it? Can you cure him of this curse?

Max: It's a strange one but I'm sure I can cure it.

Alice: What makes you so sure?

Max: I performed one similar on a friend of mine. He kept waking up inside of strange things or every now and again he was holding weird objects.

Alice: So Snake is not alone?

Max: Nope, I figured out he was being controlled by a PS2 controller I found in his pocket.

Alice: What the fuck?

Max: Don't ask but search Snake's things and find the PS2 controller. Give it to me and I will perform the correct ritual. It's most likely to be in his pocket but get Mark to check his baggage too.

Alice: Yes sir.

Mark: HEY I HEARD MY NAME MENTIONED!

Alice walks over to the pool and whispers instructions into Marks's ear.

Mark: Can Mister Forky come along?

Alice: yes Mister Forky can so long as you two don't cause any damage and you clear up afterwards.

Mark: It's a deal.

5:35pm Alice has gone outside with Snake, insisting she has just seen a mouse smuggling cannabis to his pals, Snake is just going with it. Mark, and Max are in the bedroom going through Snakes things. Michelle, Geri and James are cooking dinner. Bruce has come out of hiding and is talking to Jenny about his ordeal with the forks Pam and Are on the sofas talking about hair with Carl.

Snake: You sure you had seen a mouse smuggle cannabis?

Alice: Yes, he is under that bush.

Snake: I don't see him.

Alice: Because maybe he's camouflaged?

Snake: No. I don't see him at all.

Alice: But he's there I saw him.

Snake: He's probably run off by now.

Alice: Well that's a shame.

Snake: Why?

Alice: I wanted some big muscled man to come along and whisk me off my feet and scare the mouse away.

Snake: Well I scared the mouse away.

Snake picks Alice up and carries her away from the bush and into the corner of the garden.

Alice: There that was not so hard was it?

Snake: nope.

Snake kisses Alice (yes while holding her) Michelle runs out wearing her bra and knickers only.

Michelle: LOOK AT ME I HAVE MY TITS OUT!

James: Will someone stop her?

Geri: No let her carry on making a complete toss bag of herself.

James: Actually it is quite amusing

Snake stops kissing Alice and looks at Michelle being a toss bag in the garden, Michelle stops and looks directly at Snake.

Michelle: See look my tits are better.

Snake: GOD I'M GOING TO BE SICK.

Alice: Violently sick?

Snake: Yeah I think so.

All of a sudden Snake's right arm flicks out and it's holding a gun, which is aiming at Michelle's head.

Snake: ALICE DIVERT MY ARM QUICK

Alice moves Snake's arm over to a wall, Snake lets a round go and the gun disappears.

Snake: Shit this is getting dangerous now.

Michelle runs inside screaming while the rest of the housemates stare at Snake in shock

Snake: Alice get inside and lock me out, don't come back here and see me.

Alice: But Snake it will be cured I promise.

Snake disappears under a cardboard box.

Snake: DO IT OR YOU'LL END UP GETTING KILLED BY ME.

Alice: I'LL CURE YOU

Snake: DON'T COME BACK TO ME UNTIL YOU DO. NOW GO!

Alice runs inside crying, Bruce cuddles her as she sobs into his arms.

8:40pm Mark and Max are still searching through Snake's things. Most of the housemates are on the sofas while Alice, talks to Jenny and Bruce on the beanbags.

Mark: My god how much shit can one man have? (Pulls out several long black jackets)

Max: I don't know? It's taken us three hours to get through this lot.

AK47's are sprawled across the floor along with a few grenades and a berretta.

Mark: Well this is the last thing in here (Pulls out a pair of black trainers)

Max: Shit that means the controller is on him.

Mark: yeah and that means one of us will have to go and get it.

Max: Alice can do it.

Max goes outside the bedroom and get Alice inside.

Max: Alice it's on him, the controller is on Snake.

Alice: it's no good Max, He won't let me near him, and he nearly shot Michelle.

Mark: That's a good thing.

Max: I agree shooting Michelle would have been a good thing.

Alice: Well you tell him that then, it's no use me going out there, he'll just tell me to fuck off and leave him alone.

Mark: Ow that bad huh?

Alice starts to cry and cuddles up to Max.

Max: We will think of a way, don't worry.

Mark: I got it, Do your pretty girl ego, that'll get him to run out of his box.

Max: Stupid as it sounds but that's a good idea, it may just work.

Alice: (sniffling) We can all go out there together and Max can just go spastic for no reason.

Max: Then that's what we will do.

Mark: Errr we have to put all this away yet.

Max: Bollocks I forgot about that.

Mark: I'll start by putting all the guns away.

Max: Be careful with the grenades.

Mark: Why? (Pulls the pin out of one)

Max: MARK YOU TWAT.

Mark: What…. OH SHIT!

Alice: THROW IT OUT INTO THE GARDEN QUICKLY

Mark runs out to the patio doors and throws the grenade into the garden; the grenade lands a few inches in front of Snake's box.

Snake: OH FUCKING HELL.

12:24am After the huge explosion and Snake's box being char grilled most of the housemates have gone to bed. Mark, Max, Alice and Snake are the only ones up. They are standing at the patio door and are going to try and cure Snake's curse.

Mark: Hey Snake we are going to cure you.

Snake: LEAVE ME ALONE.

Max: Come on Snake come out to play.

Snake: I don't play well with others.

Mark: Hey Max why are you brandishing a knife? That's not part of the plan.

Max: Alice do you trust me?

Alice: Yes I do.

Max grabs Alice and holds a knife to her throat.

Mark: WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU PSYCHO?

Max: Shut up and go with it.

Max: HEY SNAKE YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THAT BOC I'LL SLIT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS THROAT.

Snake Jumps out of the box and points a gun at Max

Snake: LET HER GO FREAK BOY.

Max: WHY SHOULD I?

Snake: BECAUSE IF YOU DON' T I'LL PUT A BULLET IN YOUR SKULL

Max: YOU GOT TO DO BETTER THEN THAT.

Snake cocks the gun back and reloads for the next round.

Snake: Don't push your luck

Max: It seems I have more luck then you at the minute.

Mark grabs a book he has found and hurls it at Max's head.

Max: (releasing Alice) OW YOU FUCKING IDIOT WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Mark: Sorry I thought it was one of your alter egos.

Max turns around and see's Snake charging up to him.

Max: OH BOLLOCKS.

Snake kicks Max in the face and send him crashing to the ground.

Alice: SNAKE STOP.

Snake: Why? he just tried to kill you.

Max: It was a rubber knife I found in marks case.

Mark grabs the knife.

Mark: Hey it's mister knifey, you should meet mister Forky.

Max: We tried to tease you out to help cure you.

Snake: Oh right.

Alice: Snake stand still I need to search you.

Snake: A strip search?

Alice: Maybe later yes but not now.

Max: WILL YOU STOP IT WITH THE SEX OR I'M GOING ON PROTEST.

Alice goes through all of Snake's pockets until she comes across the PS2 controller.

Alice: Hey I found it.

Snake: That's where it went.

Max: The curse must be broken. Mark fetch me the scissors.

Snake: Hey I bought that when I got my PS2. It's an antique.

Max: IT'S CURSED

Snake: It's 7 years old

Max: CONTINUE WITH THE CURSE OR LIVE WITH THE EMBARRESMENT.

Snake: Fine go ahead kill Harry. I'll miss you little dude.

Mark: It's a controller.

Snake: It was a friend

Mark: BUT IT'S A CONTROLLER.

Snake: better then your poxy forks.

Max: CAN WE GET ON WITH THIS PLEASE.

Snake: Can I bury him?

Max: (muttering) for fucks sake YES WE WILL BURY HIM AND SHALL WE BURY MISTER FORKY THE 1st TOO.

Mark: Yes please. (holds out broken fork)

Max: WHATEVER LETS GET ON PLEASE.

They all agree to kill Harry the controller, max cuts the cord of the controller and starts to chant the evil spirits names then to completely guarantee full cleansing Max hurls the controller at a brick wall and the controller explodes.

Snake: Bye bye little dude.

Alice: Don't worry we will get another one and call him bob.

Max: Bob is actually a positive name and possesses good spirits.

Snake: May I have time alone with little Harry please?

Max: Yes, it's painful losing a loved one

Mark: BUT IT'S JUST A POXY CONTROLLER.

Max: I LIKED THE CONTROLLER BETTER THEN THAT STUPID FORK.

Mark: I'm going to cry now

3:30pm Snake and Alice are the only ones awake and they are talking about the controller. The two horny cameras meet up.

Snake: I had little Harry when I bought big Leon.

Alice: you called your PS2 Leon?

Snake: Yeah and he's till alive.

Alice: That's pretty good for a ps2 and a controller.

Snake: How long should they last?

Alice: mine lasted two years max and then died.

Snake: Did you cry?

Alice: Yeah for a while then I got little Reggie and things could not be sweeter.

Snake: Wonder if Leon and Reggie would get on?

Alice: Who knows?

Alice kisses Snake on the cheek Snake however goes for a full on kiss, Max walks in.

Max: FOR FUCKS SAKE

Snake: WHAT?

Max: THE SEX IN HERE IS JUST BLOODY AWFUL!

Alice: He's just jealous

Jenny walks into the kitchen.

Jenny: Hey handsome come back to bed.

Max: KEEP THE NYMPHO AWAY FROM ME.

Snake: looks like someone is in for a good time.

Alice: I'm not sure; think that would be classed as rape.

Snake: Who knows? Hey I'm still owed a strip search.

Alice: oh yeah; follow me back to my bed and maybe I'll perform it for you.

Snake: Oooh I do hope so.

Snake and Alice head off to the bedroom while Max fends off Jenny.

Max: HEY GUYS LITTLE HELP.

Will Max get rid of Jenny? Has the cure worked for Snakes curse? Has Michelle realised that Snake is not interested? Will Carl ever get with James? And can Max cure James's curse of stools? The answer to that one is no because I like him getting hit round the skull with a stool. I'M EVIL.


End file.
